Some things

I have changed my mind about said long post and am going to take that in a different direction. I generally hate talking about which direction my writing is going in, because I feel almost trapped by obligation to go down the path that I had spoken about.

Instead of finding various ways to connect to the internet, I can now proudly say that TWC is coming to my apartment to set up my internet very soon. Prepare for more frequent posting.

I realized that I miss sleeping with twenty-somethings. So I'm working on that as well.

I'm also going to be out of a job soon (long story, but not a bad one per se), but I'm actually looking forward to it as it will allow me the opportunity to get off of wellbutrin without the possibility of crying over a paperclip gone wrong. To prepare myself, I've decided to get the next step up from basic basic basic cable (eight channels), to something like one hundred and thirty channels. This will distract me from the mental anguish. I will also have molasses cookies handy (my favorite). I know it's going to be two weeks of living hell (and it makes me anxious just thinking about going through that and what life will be like afterwards), but I've got to give it a shot. Especially considering my depression got VERY bad during a VERY rough time in my life. I think that things will be better now.

Big post coming up soon!

I was sick with the flu, which put me back, but there is a super long post coming up. In the meantime; a thought.

"If you weren't thinking about that (anything that made you anxious, angry, emotional, et. al), than what would you be thinking about?"

This was said in my Christian meditation group the other day. Interesting, no?

Odds and ends

1. Ballet is kicking my ass. Seriously. If anyone ever wanted to get in shape, without building up muscles...do ballet.

2. I realized the other day that I went on these anti-depressants to not feel anxious, yet all I do is feel anxious on them!

3. I love the "Eternal Trace by DJ Hercio" station...it should be available on itunes radio. It's not like....annoying music, but it's good and he mixes well. Enough that you feel sucked in. He also plays these songs that I can never find and have often not heard of. Though he does mix in a few of the more mainstream "hits".

4. I went to an awful eye doctor the other day. The massive feeling I got was that he was out for money. I fucking hate that. He didn't listen to a thing that I was saying and he didn't explain what he was doing either. He had his assistant put in these eye drops (I found out later that they were numbing eye drops) in one eye before I told him that I didn't feel comfortable and was just going to go. He backed off but said to come back in three weeks. He gave me these prescriptions for my eyes because he said I had this massive allergic reaction going on in them. I told him that A) I sit in front of a computer for nine hours and B) I just moved and we can't open all the windows due to there being no screens in some of them and we do not want the cats to get out. I also told him that I had never had dry eyes until I was on wellbutrin only, but he said that he hadn't ever come across that and blah blah blah. Then he tried to sell me on LASIK. I'm not a retard and you can't get LASIK if you have dry eyes due to your eye having complications healing. But what can you say? Also, his suit didn't fit him well.

I know that these sound like superfluous reasons to not like your doctor, but like....I just felt like he wasn't explaining anything (I had to read the little pamphlet that came with the prescriptions he gave me to even find out what they WERE! At HOME! I did NOT take them and will go to another eye doctor.) and was also not listening to me.

Anyway, moving on.

5.) "Dead Snow" anyone? I watched this trailer the other day and it looks AWESOME. I have already queued it on my netflix. I may go see it in the theaters.

Odds and ends

1. I hate wellbutrin and this needless anxiety.

2. I am going to start my meditation classes. The first one is at this place in the city that gives a crash course in Hindu meditation (which costs money) and then also, my church offers 'Christian Meditation', which sounds interesting (and free).  I think this will really help me from feeling the urge to yell at people in the street for various reasons; come off of anti-depressants without feeling like a fish out of water; and to chill out.

3. Due to this Christian meditation thing, they also offer 'Organ Meditation'! Which, after looking up online, just seems like they play a lot of Bach on the organ. Still is pretty cool though. I've always liked organ music.

4. Due to some Protestant guilt, I am going to go to church earlier in the day (as Christian meditation is on Sunday evening). There are two other reasons for this. One, immediately following the service, they have a little.....reception thingy with pastries and stuff. I can eat something while kind of introducing myself to the people who run the meditation thing prior to the class. Two, there is a 20's/30's cookout coming up that I want to learn more about. Nothing like a BBQ with my fellow landsmen.

5. Don't these fuchsia stairs look awesome? (I used to have fuchsia colored hair! It looked SO AWESOME!!!! I wish I could do it again....)

So.

Man, will I be happy when I finally make it off of wellbutrin. The mental fogginess I've been experiencing whilst on it isn't very conducive to work/writing/etc. I keep thinking, "Is the syntax right?" and other, various grammatical thoughts. Thrilling, I know.

I moved! My apartment is blindingly bright. I woke up at 7:15 to draw the curtains as I hadn't yet spent any time here from the hours of 7-6pm. (work/travel to and from work). This is a stark difference from my former cave-like studio. It's southern exposure as well, which is awesome as in Manhattan apparently that is the side that gets the most light. I think that south-west is supposed to the best. I will miss my neighbors in my old building, and that naked guy who used to hang out by his window reading the paper every morning. But here I have a Trotsky look-a-like! And a Village Person look-a-like! And some girl who gets the mail in her underwear!

I also spent some time at the beach, looking at the over-priced garments that they sell in those small, seaside shops. I found some awesomely pink Lilly Pulitzer pants that I think is next on my shopping list for the sheer absurdity. Yes, it's also a nice pink; yes, the inner WASP in me is dying to come out.

Speaking of WASPs, my self-proclaimed WASP matchmaker has matches for me! I get to call her up this week and find out about them. You know me,  I love posting about relationships. Medication withdrawal seems to be a close second.

I want some BBQ. 

/end

So that didn't work.

I spoke with my doctor the other day about finally getting off of wellbutrin. Since I can't say that going from 300 to 150mg xl was extraordinarily difficult, we both thought it wouldn't be extraordinarily difficult going from 150 to nothing. Wow, was I wrong. I didn't take my saturday morning pill and by 2am I was gripped with feelings of such loneliness that I called up my mother, took a cab to the outer boroughs where she was staying (she usually is with me in Manhattan) and spent the night there. By night, I mean four hours of sleep as we had to take care of something super early in Manhattan. Yes, I realize I could've slept longer if I had stayed, but I just couldn't. I needed a warm comforting body near me, like I was some sort of warm fuzzy, dependant on warm and fuzzy scenarios and people.

Anyway, the warm fuzzy thing was still with me Sunday. Though I made do, and got some sleep, not enough though. I felt absolutely exhausted, foggy headed and nauseous. And slightly dizzy. I fucking hate feeling dizzy.

At night, in the bathtub, I knew I wasn't going to make it through this week at work, feeling the way I did. I needed a place and time where I could be near my mom and at home. There were such thoughts of despair like you wouldn't believe! I knew it would clear up, but reading about withdrawal on webboards gave the indication it would take a week or so. Usually it takes me two weeks.

So, my mom and I decided to wait until like July 4th until trying it again. My doctor agrees due to some other outside stressors that are present now but won't be later.

I took the pill again this morning, and while I felt slightly better, I still was exhausted and generally felt like I had the flu, without any coughing or sneezing. A bad flu. I had stiffness, foggy headed-ness.General "blah"-ness and crying spells. Oh, the crying spells.

Anyway, at least I gave it a shot and maybe my doctor will come up with a better way. He is very, very smart and the head of hois department, so I have full faith in him. I really wish I could've made it off of it. They should really have like, rehab places for stuff like this. To go to and detox.

Odds and ends

1. I am really looking forward to the computer that my friend is donating me. He is a computer guy and is giving me one of his 23048230984 computers since apparently me lacking one fills him with a nameless dread.

2. It's always wise to not make off color jokes to your boss.

3. I feel like I'm on the verge of something big. I guess since I have been away from a computer for so long, the need to write a screenplay is really getting to me. And I have a great idea. It's just itching to come out. I just find it easier to type it out though, instead of taking it to paper.

4. I'm a week into my decrease in dosage, and today I felt like crap. Dizzy. Depressed. Lethargic. Languorous. Languorous, I love that word. Ever since I read it in Nabokov's 'Lolita' to describe a blonde.....(read the sentence here). I know that this [withdrawal] is a good thing , and I am already prepping myself for the massive intake of vitamins and other healthy food that I will be consuming soon. I'm still eating pretty normal...healthy...stuff. But I am looking forward to drinking my 1 part vegetables, 2 parts fruit drinks that for some reason make me feel anxious when drinking now. I know it sounds ridiculous.

5. I am signing up with a matchmaking service. I realized that I am not going to meet the best guys on okcupid.com. For the most part, the ones that I do meet are in their thirties, are balding, and live in the outer boroughs with room-mates.

6. Speaking of grammar, I wish that there was an adult book of grammar that I could read, and practice with, as I feel like my grammar skills are slowly going down the toilet. "Eats, shoots and leaves" is definitely a good one....that I haven't bought yet.