Took my full piggy bank to Commerce today.

I had twenty-one dollars in change! I couldn't believe it. It's so empty now.

When I was ten or so, I never wanted to be married, nor have children. I was inspired by the Amazon women of ancient Greece. They only mated when necessary. They were warriors. They were independent. I loved everything that they stood for, and resolved that I would never be tied down to someone.

Now, at age twenty-four, almost twenty-five, something called my "biological clock" is ticking. I hate saying that fucking phrase, but man those hormones! And it's not just the hormones, I also want a physically superior child, and I know that after the age of thirty, more birth defects pop-up. I'm worried about that. I don't know why I want a child, but I do. There's something there that's driving me.

I also want to get married, I think. I want to have a man, and a stable home, and some security (but I don't want to be totally boring either). I need the man before the child, at least (because the other way around is a financially risky decision). It's something of a means to an end.

I always told myself that I would never depend on anyone, for anything. That's been hard to follow, of course, but to go further with this, I don't want to be one of those women who depends on their man for everything. Where is the power in that relationship? It's with the man.

Anyway, I'm rambling here.