I am blonde.

2010-06-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

As you can tell, I've kind of lost interest in this blog. I'll still keep it going, but it's doubtful that the entries are going to be frequent. I just don't have a lot of time between work, ballet and school. I feel as though nothing I write has any real depth to it anymore. Mostly, again, because I never have any free time and when I do, it's for a short amount of time indeed and it's just not enough time to concentrate on things like updating an anonymous blog.

But to fill you all in with what has happened over the past six months (as my posts have been sparse indeed), here we go:

1. Had a boyfriend
2. Broke up with boyfriend for being too insecure.
3. Dated a few other men.
4. Went to some society balls
5. Upped my ballet classes and started pointe
6. Read through several books: The Exile, The Judgment of Paris, Albert Speer: His Battle With Truth, etc. All good.
7. My best friend went to jail for two years.
8. I got amazingly sunburnt and broke out in blisters.
9. Got a fuck buddy.
10. Debated with myself on how bisexual I am.
11. Got confirmed (non-Catholic).
12. Started drinking again (although it's really small amounts).
13. Grew out my eyebrows as it makes you look younger.
14. Got depressed over the ending of Lost.

And that's about it.

Prokofiev - Dance of the Knights

2010-05-19T20:44:00.000-07:00

I know my embedding skills are crap (read: I'm lazy), but you don't need to watch anything in this video, just listen to this beautiful song.

Fuck buddy

2010-04-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

My fuck buddy and I had very disappointing sex yesterday. He was under the impression that my vagina was a piece of hard cement that needed to be drilled. Being what he is, I didn't really complain, but I'm glad he's not my boyfriend. Otherwise, I don't think it would work out between us.

Took my full piggy bank to Commerce today.

2010-03-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

I had twenty-one dollars in change! I couldn't believe it. It's so empty now.

When I was ten or so, I never wanted to be married, nor have children. I was inspired by the Amazon women of ancient Greece. They only mated when necessary. They were warriors. They were independent. I loved everything that they stood for, and resolved that I would never be tied down to someone.

Now, at age twenty-four, almost twenty-five, something called my "biological clock" is ticking. I hate saying that fucking phrase, but man those hormones! And it's not just the hormones, I also want a physically superior child, and I know that after the age of thirty, more birth defects pop-up. I'm worried about that. I don't know why I want a child, but I do. There's something there that's driving me.

I also want to get married, I think. I want to have a man, and a stable home, and some security (but I don't want to be totally boring either). I need the man before the child, at least (because the other way around is a financially risky decision). It's something of a means to an end.

I always told myself that I would never depend on anyone, for anything. That's been hard to follow, of course, but to go further with this, I don't want to be one of those women who depends on their man for everything. Where is the power in that relationship? It's with the man.

Anyway, I'm rambling here.

Another one!

2010-03-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

Forgot to add this commercial last time:

Nothing new. I broke up with that guy I was dating. He just got super clingy and was talking about having kids with me and getting married and it all seemed too intense, too fast. It actually made me feel physically ill. So I broke up with him. Now he's being creepy and semi-stalking me. I think he needs to get over it.

I was so horny though (after getting a supply of steady sex) that I thought about calling him for some break-up sex. Although, I thought about this more and I figured that he would consider it, "I want to get back together" sex. So I called up a friend instead and took care of the situation.

It was nice.

I got pointe shoes recently as well. I'm really excited to start pointe. I've been going to ballet class for about a year and a half now, three times a week and the teacher thinks it's okay that I start pointe. I love these shoes so much!!!!! It took forever to fit my foot though. Damn Morton's toe on a size 11 foot.

Anyway, Grishko finally supplied the fitting shoe. I can't WAIT for class!

Also, I'm getting slaughtered in my brackets. What the hell is happening in the South!?!?

Some of my favorite commercials.

2010-03-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

Haven't updated in a while, but only because I've been busy.

Yeah, I liked the show Nip/Tuck.

Odds and ends

2009-12-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

So I'm dating someone now. He's really great, funny, charming, attractive and so forth. It's kind of awesome. We speak all the time via text, email or phone. Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed with how much he likes me. It makes me feel a little nervous, but I suppose that is a good thing. We haven't had sex yet, man I can't wait till we do. Just taking our time until we get there. It's like we both know it'll happen and we just love working our way up to it. I didn't even meet him through the matchmaker. I met him through a friend.

Moving on. Something horrible happened to a friend of mine the other day. I cried that entire evening. I suppose I should've expected it, but I just didn't allow myself to think about it. Once some time has passed maybe I'll write about it here.

I'm working, did I mention? It's fabulous. I love putting on a suit and going someplace to do something productive.

My friend and I were speaking about the men that she sleeps with. We were specifically discussing the kind of man whom one sleeps with and is friendly with, yet that man completely misreads the situation thinking that one is being clingy or that one has dreams of the two of you together forever. Meanwhile the reality is that one just wants a friends with benefits situation. To be a friend; to have access to somewhat constant sex without any real emotional investment.

Hell, if a girl wanted to date you, she would've acted differently. Made the man take her out to dinner. Not shown up and removed her clothes. That joking around afterwards, the holding of conversations with the man, that's just because she wants to be cool with the man. Nothing more, nothing less. Because, well, anything less would have the girl be like a silent hooker.

It was a fascinating conversation.

I like sprinkles.

2009-11-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

It was my birthday in June. Three days ago, I received a birthday gift from my friend who knows me well. He had given me a heads up that it was on its way, but I can honestly say that I was expecting something else.

First of all the package arrived in a rather large box that advertised itself as carrying oyster crackers. My immediate thought was, as the man came up the stairs carrying said box, I hope it's not a box of oyster crackers. I'm sure that I could slog through a couple of packets, maybe even half the box, but I probably wouldn't enjoy it at all and would ponder my eating thought process whilst doing so.

So then I actually took the box from the mailman. It was pretty heavy. Oyster crackers are not this heavy, I thought.

I shuffled back into my apartment and put the box down on my desk, then went to open it. Inside was an awesome, small backpack. I mean, it's really great. Just the right size for gym clothes.

I opened the backpack up and found on top, a tee shirt. It wasn't just any tee-shirt, it smelled like man. Not a dirty, hobo smelling man; no, it smelled like a good man. This was very exciting for me.

After that whiff of pleasure, I then found a towel with a certain countries flag on it. I like the flag very much, and will think of said country while drying myself off after another celibate shower.

Anyway, then I thought, this towel and tee shirt can't make this backpack this heavy. Well, then I removed the towel and found the three kilos of rainbow sprinkles on the bottom half of the backpack.

Seriously.

Three kilos of rainbow sprinkles.

It was crazy. It was hilarious. I loved it. I know that I had mentioned to my male friend that I really loved rainbow sprinkles, but I had really said it in passing and had actually completely forgotten that I had ever mentioned it to him so I was totally surprised when I saw all those sprinkles.

I think I laughed for five minutes straight when I saw those sprinkles. I don't know how long it will take me to get through them all; a few months I am sure.

I moved the bag into my fridge, then finished unzipping the rest of the backpack. I found two DVD's in there as well as a few little knick-knacks.

I think it's so awesome that I got those sprinkles. It was very thoughtful and I have to say that it's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. I think it's because it's so original and personal, those kidns of gifts always make the best impression.

Oh Gosh

2009-11-12T16:08:00.001-08:00

It has been a while hasn't it?

Well, what's new? Nothing major except that I am sick of being at home and spending an inordinate amount of time online, reading books, watching Highlander and playing with my cats.

Speaking of Highlander, that movie is fucking awesome. I still have to watch it with the commentary before sending it back. I think I'll do that tomorrow.

My matchmaker has been setting me up a lot recently. I am pleasantly surprised. I haven't met any of the guys yet, but they are all very nice sounding.

I have my macbook pro, which seems to be falling apart. First it was the fan, now it's the RAM. Hey! That rhymes. I'll be sure to buy refurbished from now on (sarcasm).

And on a final note, it's extremely awkward to be sitting down waiting for something, or drinking at a bar and hearing a guy try to pick up a girl when you're one seat over. You just want to be like, "STOP THE FLIRTING! JUST ASK HER OUT ALREADY!". In fact, that's going to be my new job. Professional date-maker.

Odd things.

2009-10-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I will meet people and they will do or tell me things that they did that make no reasonable sense.

For instance: A guy is hitting on me. In order to feel closer to me he has me hold onto his stuff as he takes care of "important" (read: unimportant) chores. I see how this makes sense to him. It's somewhat "couple-y" behavior mixed in with some "take care of me" behavior. Except, we haven't slept together. We aren't even dating. We're in the same youth group together.

I got myself into this situation by being nice, and saying, "Sure, I'll hold onto your water bottle as you go dig around your bag for your wallet", because my mind was logically thinking: who would put their water bottle down on a New York City sidewalk? Except, he keeps doing it. I kept saying yes until this weekend when he tried to get me to hold onto his heavy backpack so that he could run over and speak to someone important in our community without, y'know, being hindered by a backpack. He made the false assumption that I wouldn't mind holding onto something heavy for him. I told him, "No" and walked away from him.

He was quite surprised at this and called after me, "C'mon Windy!". I just kept walking. I hate carrying heavy stuff, and I do it all the time for my mother. I'm not doing it for anyone else unless I'm married to them or they're my spawn.

But it's like, he saw that as a way to get closer to me. However, maybe the better thing to do, would be to offer to carry my things. I don't even have many things. I can't stand carrying purses. I put everything into my coat. You could offer to carry my coat. Its kind of heavy, but not really since I put only my keys, wallet and cell into it. It's the easiest thing in the world and would impress me. I don't always want to feel like I'm dominating a man.

Also on this topic of odd things men do to get women's attention, one of my former lovers went so far as to create a false facebook page and then he tried to friend me. I knew something was off when he had like...three friends. It was very strange. He has a certain style of writing (that and I checked his email listed via my stalking tool) that gave him away. I didn't end up friending him.

On a side (and final) note; Sundaes and Cones has amazing pumpkin flavored ice cream. It tastes like pumpkin pie. Heavenly.

So, what's new?

2009-09-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still unemployed. I feel a little stressed out about that, but every day I do something to help me complete my goal of landing a job. Today is another interview and more Craig's List trolling.

I think that today I will wear my glasses to my interview since people think I look smarter in them (yes, this has been said to my face).

It's also freezing in my apartment. Maybe because I am in the back of my building? I don't know, it gets plenty of sunlight. All the windows are closed.

Yesterday I went to Williamsburg for a meal at DuMont Burger. The burger itself wasn't half bad, though the mayo for the fries could have been better. We had a table outside and it was just wonderful. Sun on my back and a nice breeze. I don't ever really go to Brooklyn unless necessary (IKEA or by request) but my mate insisted that I try this place out with them. I also can't say no to a burger after having a fifteen minute discussion about it.

It was a very interesting day indeed.

Yahoo Answers

2009-09-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

?????!!!

The problem with being skinny...

2009-09-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

is that you don't have that wonderful layer of blubber to keep you warm on cold days.

Why do people name-drop so much? I ended up canceling a date the other night with this guy who kept doing it. It's a rather annoying habit. No, I do not care if you go out drinking with Dr. House, or that you're friends with Tina Fey. Who cares! I don't. Were you expecting a pat on your back? Well, too bad, you're not getting one.

After the umpteenth time of, "And Alec Baldwin and I talked shop", I ended up suggesting he find an impressionable young girl who would think he was cool 'cause he hung out with famous people since I would not be joining him (more or less). He was rather taken aback and asked me where all the hate was coming from, and why I hated his friends. I told him that I didn't hate his friends, I just disliked the way he was acting. Then he kept asking me if the date was really cancelled. I stopped responding.

Seriously, when does saying that you're friends with famous people work as a line? It's never made me drop my panties.

Cash for Clunkers

2009-09-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm amazed at how poorly people think about things, specifically their finances. The incident that I'm thinking about in particular happened a few weeks ago, but just kind of stayed in the back of my head until today, when I was reading about the 'Cash for Clunkers' program today on yahoo news.

A few weeks ago, on NY1 news, I was watching a story on how some people in the Bronx were participating in 'Cash for Clunkers' and how that that was all that they could afford. One woman in particular said that she didn't have the extra $3000-$4000 for a new car, so she decided to get a used SUV.

Think about that for a minute.

She didn't have money to buy a new car so she got a gas-guzzling SUV. Yeah, lady, you're going to save money there. I'm sure it was cheaper in the short-term, but I'm even more positive that it would be more expensive in the long-term.

Unfortunately I don't have excel yet installed on my new computer to make a chart in order to show this, but seriously. An SUV?

If I were her, my personal preference would be for a nice Jeep. Not the most fuel efficient but damn if those things don't last forever. My brother has one with 200,000 miles on it and it is still running fine. It's from 1991. We take good care of it.

Anyway, I have to get ready for a date now.

The Five Year plan.

2009-09-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

I got a new computer. Thankfully. It's a 15" MacBook Pro and it's pretty. I love how the base doesn't get too hot so I can type away with the computer on my lap as I sit on the sofa instead of at my desk.

What else is new? Well, like 9.7% of the population in the United States, I am jobless. I'm actually kind of thrilled as I really disliked my old job after a while. It was so monotonous. I spoke to my doctor about this at my last physical and they replied that they had heard the same sentiment from many of their other patients (I got a severance package that included healthcare for a few months).

The thing that I've noticed about me and work is that I'm a lot less productive and happy when I'm not near a window. I don't know why they don't make offices more window-y. Poor design, I suppose. Or they simply do not care, although they should as happy people are more productive, but HEY, who am I to judge? I know that there are many other factors (such as, what does one do when your office building takes up an entire block??) that one needs to take into consideration, but I'm going to try my best.

Speaking of goals, I wrote out my five year plan today. This way I can set my goals and every week sit down and see what I can do that week to get closer to fulfilling those goals.

Mine are as follows:

Go to Berlin (possibly buy a house there).

Buy my own apartment.

Work on creating a conglomerate that I will run.

Get married.

Perhaps get my masters in engineering.

Travel the U.S.A.

Maybe have offspring.

Write a book.

Write several screenplays.

Continue to work out so that my body gets like Xena's in the last episode. (I'm getting there through massive amounts of ballet practice. I don't want to bulk up and I do better in organized things than just going in and working on machines by myself.)

There are a few others but that's basically it.

Moar later.

So..

2009-08-28T13:52:00.001-07:00

I watched a preview for a porn the other day. It is actually pretty good! So here's the link, dear readers, to the preview for "Tori Black Is Pretty Filthy".

http://elegantangelblog.com/blog/QT/TBIPF.mov

The music is rather catchy, and I had to laugh when the two girls were walking together in unison. You will too.

Definitely NSFW.

C'mon rain

2009-08-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

Let's go!

I barely got any sleep last night. When I did get some sleep, I dreamt that I was having sex with Michael Douglas.

The Michael Douglas of today.

Well, at least it was good.

Moving on...

2009-08-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, this fellow I know gave me his old Compaq: Presario. This dude doesn't work, so I think that he needs to feel important by becoming a dilettante in other matters, such as being a computer "expert". I bought it at first, but after spending five minutes on the thing I realized that the computer he gave me is not he computer I was expecting. The computer is....an odd shell of a computer. Nothing really works the way it should work, and one wonders, "What the hell did this guy do to the computer?". It's very odd. I'm not saying that I am a compute expert myself, but I know enough to know when something is messed up. When I told him about the problems I was having with the computer, he said that he would have to come over and check it out. Seeking a second party for advice, I told them my problem to which they very quickly replied with the answer and what to do.

I just don't GET why people would say, "Oh yeah, go ahead, you can take it. I wanted a new one." and lead you to believe that they are this expert in something and then when you get the computer, it would come down with a massive case of fail anytime you tried to do something remotely advanced.

Oh wait, I do.

I am also sick of these nouveau riche people. I'm saying that in a more general sense, because when I tell these people my background they get all excited and tell me about all the things that they are doing and their house this, and their boat that and meanwhile I just want to pull my hair out with frustration and possibly throw a Miss Manners book at them. You do not talk about your money! You do not sound as though you are bragging!

Anyway, now I am on my mom's old IBM ThinkPad that has a pentium three processor. Yes, three. Also, the computer screen sometimes turns a lovely shade of pink. Sigh.

And yes my grammar probably blows in this posting, but nothing makes me more pissed than having computer problems while dealing with the nouveau riche.

Now, to watch some "Queer as Folk".

Odds and ends

2009-08-05T08:20:00.001-07:00

So, so far things have been going well with the withdrawal. I almost fainted the other day though, which I think is more from my anemia than anything else (as I noticed that when I took my iron pills I became more jittery, so I stopped taking them and have only recently begun again). Luckily, I was in the doctors office when I almost fainted and they ran to get me some orange juice with sugar added(!). There's just something about seeing surgical instruments that makes me weak in the knees (that and when they take blood from me....oh boy!). I just generally feel weaker than usual, but today it's better.

I've been lounging around and have been awfully bored, so what is a girl to do? Well, this girl has been taking "walks" by this store with a cute owner. He and I make googly eyes at one another all the time, but he hasn't said anything. In my defense, it is on a corner that I need to walk by to get to the food store, the deli, kmart and any other store I'd need to get to. But now I'm like, "C'MON BUDDY! STOP LOOKING! START TALKING!". And it's not like it's a one second glance that he is giving me, it's that eye-meet thing that makes you walk into streetlamps and other stationary objects.

I am also really looking forward to it raining today. Folks in Manhattan, you know what I mean.

Bye-bye Wellbutrin

2009-08-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

I stopped taking Wellbutrin as of yesterday. Other than feeling remarkably nauseous, everything has been going great! I feel like I am myself again.My head feels clearer. Plus, those constant tension lines in my face have disappeared, allowing the opportunity for more men to believe that I am still in high-school/college. Which, by the way, both flatters and disturbs me, if only because these men are usually in their fifties.Of course it's always flattering to be thought of as younger. :D

Anyway, more updates to occur regarding this and other more...hilarious things.

2009-07-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

TWC came...but the computer is now giving me a hard time. :/ So give it a few more days for posting to come back.

I'm so exhausted I can barely think. I haven't even done half the stuff that I wanted to do.

Some things

2009-07-08T17:41:00.000-07:00

I have changed my mind about said long post and am going to take that in a different direction. I generally hate talking about which direction my writing is going in, because I feel almost trapped by obligation to go down the path that I had spoken about.

Instead of finding various ways to connect to the internet, I can now proudly say that TWC is coming to my apartment to set up my internet very soon. Prepare for more frequent posting.

I realized that I miss sleeping with twenty-somethings. So I'm working on that as well.

I'm also going to be out of a job soon (long story, but not a bad one per se), but I'm actually looking forward to it as it will allow me the opportunity to get off of wellbutrin without the possibility of crying over a paperclip gone wrong. To prepare myself, I've decided to get the next step up from basic basic basic cable (eight channels), to something like one hundred and thirty channels. This will distract me from the mental anguish. I will also have molasses cookies handy (my favorite). I know it's going to be two weeks of living hell (and it makes me anxious just thinking about going through that and what life will be like afterwards), but I've got to give it a shot. Especially considering my depression got VERY bad during a VERY rough time in my life. I think that things will be better now.

Big post coming up soon!

2009-06-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

I was sick with the flu, which put me back, but there is a super long post coming up. In the meantime; a thought.

"If you weren't thinking about that (anything that made you anxious, angry, emotional, et. al), than what would you be thinking about?"

This was said in my Christian meditation group the other day. Interesting, no?

Odds and ends

2009-06-06T07:17:00.001-07:00

1. Ballet is kicking my ass. Seriously. If anyone ever wanted to get in shape, without building up muscles...do ballet.

2. I realized the other day that I went on these anti-depressants to not feel anxious, yet all I do is feel anxious on them!

3. I love the "Eternal Trace by DJ Hercio" station...it should be available on itunes radio. It's not like....annoying music, but it's good and he mixes well. Enough that you feel sucked in. He also plays these songs that I can never find and have often not heard of. Though he does mix in a few of the more mainstream "hits".

4. I went to an awful eye doctor the other day. The massive feeling I got was that he was out for money. I fucking hate that. He didn't listen to a thing that I was saying and he didn't explain what he was doing either. He had his assistant put in these eye drops (I found out later that they were numbing eye drops) in one eye before I told him that I didn't feel comfortable and was just going to go. He backed off but said to come back in three weeks. He gave me these prescriptions for my eyes because he said I had this massive allergic reaction going on in them. I told him that A) I sit in front of a computer for nine hours and B) I just moved and we can't open all the windows due to there being no screens in some of them and we do not want the cats to get out. I also told him that I had never had dry eyes until I was on wellbutrin only, but he said that he hadn't ever come across that and blah blah blah. Then he tried to sell me on LASIK. I'm not a retard and you can't get LASIK if you have dry eyes due to your eye having complications healing. But what can you say? Also, his suit didn't fit him well.

I know that these sound like superfluous reasons to not like your doctor, but like....I just felt like he wasn't explaining anything (I had to read the little pamphlet that came with the prescriptions he gave me to even find out what they WERE! At HOME! I did NOT take them and will go to another eye doctor.) and was also not listening to me.

Anyway, moving on.

5.) "Dead Snow" anyone? I watched this trailer the other day and it looks AWESOME. I have already queued it on my netflix. I may go see it in the theaters.

Odds and ends

2009-05-30T18:35:00.000-07:00

1. I hate wellbutrin and this needless anxiety.

2. I am going to start my meditation classes. The first one is at this place in the city that gives a crash course in Hindu meditation (which costs money) and then also, my church offers 'Christian Meditation', which sounds interesting (and free). I think this will really help me from feeling the urge to yell at people in the street for various reasons; come off of anti-depressants without feeling like a fish out of water; and to chill out.

3. Due to this Christian meditation thing, they also offer 'Organ Meditation'! Which, after looking up online, just seems like they play a lot of Bach on the organ. Still is pretty cool though. I've always liked organ music.

4. Due to some Protestant guilt, I am going to go to church earlier in the day (as Christian meditation is on Sunday evening). There are two other reasons for this. One, immediately following the service, they have a little.....reception thingy with pastries and stuff. I can eat something while kind of introducing myself to the people who run the meditation thing prior to the class. Two, there is a 20's/30's cookout coming up that I want to learn more about. Nothing like a BBQ with my fellow landsmen.

5. Don't these fuchsia stairs look awesome? (I used to have fuchsia colored hair! It looked SO AWESOME!!!! I wish I could do it again....)

So.

2009-05-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

Man, will I be happy when I finally make it off of wellbutrin. The mental fogginess I've been experiencing whilst on it isn't very conducive to work/writing/etc. I keep thinking, "Is the syntax right?" and other, various grammatical thoughts. Thrilling, I know.

I moved! My apartment is blindingly bright. I woke up at 7:15 to draw the curtains as I hadn't yet spent any time here from the hours of 7-6pm. (work/travel to and from work). This is a stark difference from my former cave-like studio. It's southern exposure as well, which is awesome as in Manhattan apparently that is the side that gets the most light. I think that south-west is supposed to the best. I will miss my neighbors in my old building, and that naked guy who used to hang out by his window reading the paper every morning. But here I have a Trotsky look-a-like! And a Village Person look-a-like! And some girl who gets the mail in her underwear!

I also spent some time at the beach, looking at the over-priced garments that they sell in those small, seaside shops. I found some awesomely pink Lilly Pulitzer pants that I think is next on my shopping list for the sheer absurdity. Yes, it's also a nice pink; yes, the inner WASP in me is dying to come out.

Speaking of WASPs, my self-proclaimed WASP matchmaker has matches for me! I get to call her up this week and find out about them. You know me, I love posting about relationships. Medication withdrawal seems to be a close second.

I want some BBQ.

/end

So that didn't work.

2009-05-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

I spoke with my doctor the other day about finally getting off of wellbutrin. Since I can't say that going from 300 to 150mg xl was extraordinarily difficult, we both thought it wouldn't be extraordinarily difficult going from 150 to nothing. Wow, was I wrong. I didn't take my saturday morning pill and by 2am I was gripped with feelings of such loneliness that I called up my mother, took a cab to the outer boroughs where she was staying (she usually is with me in Manhattan) and spent the night there. By night, I mean four hours of sleep as we had to take care of something super early in Manhattan. Yes, I realize I could've slept longer if I had stayed, but I just couldn't. I needed a warm comforting body near me, like I was some sort of warm fuzzy, dependant on warm and fuzzy scenarios and people.

Anyway, the warm fuzzy thing was still with me Sunday. Though I made do, and got some sleep, not enough though. I felt absolutely exhausted, foggy headed and nauseous. And slightly dizzy. I fucking hate feeling dizzy.

At night, in the bathtub, I knew I wasn't going to make it through this week at work, feeling the way I did. I needed a place and time where I could be near my mom and at home. There were such thoughts of despair like you wouldn't believe! I knew it would clear up, but reading about withdrawal on webboards gave the indication it would take a week or so. Usually it takes me two weeks.

So, my mom and I decided to wait until like July 4th until trying it again. My doctor agrees due to some other outside stressors that are present now but won't be later.

I took the pill again this morning, and while I felt slightly better, I still was exhausted and generally felt like I had the flu, without any coughing or sneezing. A bad flu. I had stiffness, foggy headed-ness.General "blah"-ness and crying spells. Oh, the crying spells.

Anyway, at least I gave it a shot and maybe my doctor will come up with a better way. He is very, very smart and the head of hois department, so I have full faith in him. I really wish I could've made it off of it. They should really have like, rehab places for stuff like this. To go to and detox.

Odds and ends

2009-04-27T15:31:00.001-07:00

1. I am really looking forward to the computer that my friend is donating me. He is a computer guy and is giving me one of his 23048230984 computers since apparently me lacking one fills him with a nameless dread.

2. It's always wise to not make off color jokes to your boss.

3. I feel like I'm on the verge of something big. I guess since I have been away from a computer for so long, the need to write a screenplay is really getting to me. And I have a great idea. It's just itching to come out. I just find it easier to type it out though, instead of taking it to paper.

4. I'm a week into my decrease in dosage, and today I felt like crap. Dizzy. Depressed. Lethargic. Languorous. Languorous, I love that word. Ever since I read it in Nabokov's 'Lolita' to describe a blonde.....(read the sentence here). I know that this [withdrawal] is a good thing , and I am already prepping myself for the massive intake of vitamins and other healthy food that I will be consuming soon. I'm still eating pretty normal...healthy...stuff. But I am looking forward to drinking my 1 part vegetables, 2 parts fruit drinks that for some reason make me feel anxious when drinking now. I know it sounds ridiculous.

5. I am signing up with a matchmaking service. I realized that I am not going to meet the best guys on okcupid.com. For the most part, the ones that I do meet are in their thirties, are balding, and live in the outer boroughs with room-mates.

6. Speaking of grammar, I wish that there was an adult book of grammar that I could read, and practice with, as I feel like my grammar skills are slowly going down the toilet. "Eats, shoots and leaves" is definitely a good one....that I haven't bought yet.

oooooh!

2009-04-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have discovered how to post using the mobile link that blogger has provided! Touching!

Anyway, I'll be off of wellbutrin in a month.Yesterday, I spoke to my doctor about it. We had such a funny conversation. I guess that since he wasn't the doctor who first prescribed my anti-depressants, he couldn't remember why I got on them in the first place.he had my file though, but I've seen my file and the crappy handwriting in it from past doctor's. I refreshed his memory with stories about court battles, drunk step mothers, nefarious sibilings, past unresolved issues, poor eating habits and lack of steady job.

He replied, "Well, in some cases when people go on anti-depressants, it's hard to find the underlying cause of it all. Yours is pretty obvious though.".he then told me that we would have to do it slowly, as he didn't want to jolt my system too much. So for the next month I'll be on 150mg xl, instead of only 300mg xl.

When he asked me why I wanted to come off of them, I told him that I had a couple of reasons. They are listed as follows.

1. The pill makes me nauseous for the first half of the day. Not in a "can't get out of bed" way, but in a "bleh" kind of way. It's uncomfortable.

2. I had a heart palpitation the other day which totally freaked me out, considering it happened when I was stepping onto a crowded six train at fifty-ninth street. I stopped walking for a second, and was promptly shoved forward. Ah, New York.

3. I used to think that everyone was generally a "good " person. As in, their morals would stop them from doing anything "wrong" to another person. Generally speaking. However, this was not the case and only my UES friends do this. Everyone else lacks this here and there. Generally speaking. Most men do not want to be my friend, they just want my body and will say a lot of bullshit to get access to it. I am now aware of the bullshit quotient.

4. I dress well. I used to think I dressed terribly because jeans were never long enough for me. Everyone could see my socks whenever I sat down. I hated that.

5. I eat better and take vitamins. This helps my anemia greatly. I can definitely feel the difference if I don't take it for a few days.

6. I have a steady job. Yes, in this economy. I am very thankful for this.

7. I am exercising and taking classes that I want to take without training with some drug addict trainer who trained me for free. I thought this was because he was my mom's friend. No, this is because he wanted to sleep with me. Proven when he tried to kiss me one day and got all upset (and subsequently stopped the free training) when I told him that I wasn't interested in him.

And there's a few more, but my thumbs hurt. Lol.

And I'm going to Berlin! For Oktoberfest. I am so excited, especially to see some lamp posts. :D

gosh

2009-04-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

I miss random hook-ups.

2009-04-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've been watching the US version of 'Queer as Folk' and I have two thoughts.

1. If I were a man, I'd want to be Brian. Not only is he super hot, he's also a smart asshole with a soft spot. Among some other similarities.....it would be easier being a guy though.

2. Instead I'm prolly more like the young, idealistic Justin. In fact, the Justin-Brian relationship is awfully similar to one of my first relationships. He was an older guy, I was the idealistic senior in high school. We had/have a stormy relationship. Have because we still speak and it's just as weird because now he likes me more than I like him, unlike when I was in hs and it was in reverse.

update

2009-03-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

My computer's harddrive broke the other day. I had dropped my computer a few times before and nothing had ever really happened. Well, except for the keyboard popping up that one time (it was easily fixable). So I can't say I really worried when I banged my elbow into a cabinet handle and dropped the laptop on the floor. Upon turning it on, I was met with the click of death. I sniffled."Perhaps it's the fan!", I naively thought. I had to take it to HQ to get it checked out. "Alas", said the short man, "the computer's harddrive is no more.".I am currently blogging from my blackberry. I had so many memories on my laptop. All those adium conversations recorded. My itunes. I backed everything else up. Those few weeks during the summer of 2007 when I watched all the seasons of "Ready or not" and other fine Canadian television programming. That time I watched all those episodes of 'Miami Vice'. Sigh. Btw, I got a new apartment, so buying a new computer (of any sort) is out of the question for another month or so.

Sara Paxton, Now and Then.

2009-03-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

2006

2009, "The Last House on the Left" as the girl who gets raped.

I just thought it would be interesting to point out.

And he called me

2009-03-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

:D

I was in ballet class last night, and during our exercises the pianist played "Beat it". It was awesome.

It's so fucking loud in my apartment right now that I can't even think but I was going to say something about the benefit of having worked with perma-stoned bosses and how it teaches you to relax about certain things and that sometimes an apple is just an apple. This tied into a bunch of other stuff that I can't string together but it was really deep folks. Deep.

2009-03-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

And now He's being a jerk to me. I won't go into how, but...ugh.

As the prozac slowly leaves my system (17 day half life, I'm on day 23 I think), the more motivated I feel to actually write something. More scenes are churning in my head, though the actual plot seems like a wisp, really. But it's an improvement of not having that the entire time I was on paxil.

I'm so irritated with people who are so focused on sleeping with me and that's it. They sometimes try to pretend that they are my "friend", although they never call me. I get emails, asking if I want to hang out. Under the guise of "friendship". Yeah. Of course we'd be hanging out at their place, never leaving. Never going to the movies. Nothing.

Not my cup of tea.

However, that's not to say that I am against fwb. I have one now, whose just great. I can't see the relationship going anywhere, we're just too different, but he's a wonderful lover. He feeds me, he compliments me, he rubs my back (oh so well) and he says sweet stuff without sounding like a player. Like he really means it. Yet, at the same time, we both know that it's never going to get more serious than that. We don't talk about other people we're seeing, but we're definitely not exclusive. And it really doesn't bother me....as odd as that sounds. It's like I'm really just sleeping with my friend. I think this is a result of him saying to me, "You know Windy, when we hang out, we don't always have to have sex.".

We go for walks, we cuddle, and we have good sex. We both took a nap the other day in his bed. It had been such a long time since I had fallen asleep in the same bed as another man. It felt so comforting. Even his snoring was pleasant. It's not like having a boyfriend, but still, you can't ask for a better fwb than that.

My Five Hour "Date" a.k.a. The Day I Got Invited And Then Disinvited To A Guys' House In Twenty Minutes.

2009-02-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

This story basically starts back in November, when I was part of this society thing that had weekly meetings that lead up to a debutante ball. The underlying purpose of this was to meet new people who were in your "social sphere" as it were. After dance practice we would have these parties where we could talk to one another in a more informal place.

Talk to people I did! At one of these after parties a rather charming, although oddly dressed (Like when a color-blind person is fashionable. It all looks good, but there's something a tad off.) fellow came by and introduced himself to me. We then proceeded to have a rather charming conversation about our jobs. I didn't have one at this point, but it seemed gauche to say that to this crowd (Although, there were some very wealthy people there who didn't work, I wasn't one of them.). I can't say that the conversation lasted more than ten minutes but I did stop thinking he was an odd dresser after that.

Time flew by, we chatted more and more and then the winking started. It was almost constant, but really, I just ignored it, like it was a non-event. Honestly. The brain process thing just wasn't working with me all that well but after a while, I started to think it was cute. He friended my on facebook, I think right around that time he introduced himself to me. I remember thinking, "Why is he friending me?" and "What the hell, I might as well accept him.".

More chatting/winking/small conversations continued. Towards those last few weeks we started to have longer discussions and I even commented on his facebook status one day, giving advice to which he actually followed. Hm, so he did end up doing that, I remember thinking to myself, since..gosh...I don't know it was like a month ago.

Things really took off the night of the ball. We just basically hung out with one another all night with fairly thick sexual tension. Seriously. I won't get into the nitty gritty of it all because it's rather self-explanatory. I don't know why he didn't make a move but it sure did seem to me that we both were expecting the other person to make a move first. We ended up not even kissing, although he did give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I kind of expected him to talk to me after that. That didn't happen. This threw me into a world of confusion.

What the fuck? Why hasn't he emailed? Why hasn't he called? Why hasn't he instant messaged me? That evening couldn't have gone better.

This really threw me into a loop because this seriously has never happened. It's A->B->C. You would think the guy would call to seal the deal, even, at the very least!

I ended up emailing him to talk about the ball. He responded fairly quickly and cheerfully though still, nothing happened.

I decided to invite him out for coffee because at the very least, it was just coffee and I also figured, what the hell along with my mother telling me that I could be amazingly aloof at times (I can't imagine what he thought the first twenty times he winked at me and I just looked blankly at him.). He accepted, saying it sounded like a great idea.

We met, he was on time. He gave me a hug. He paid. He gave a loud tip (dropping coins into the tip jar) and we sat and chatted for a good two hours or so. He never seemed like he was in a rush to leave and even told me that. He did say that he had been extremely drunk at the ball.

"Oh.", I replied. Great, now I have to deal with this whole alcohol factor. How does THAT come into play?

"You don't drink though, right?"

"Yep."

"Never?"

"Nope, although I have drunk, I don't drink any longer."

"That's too bad.", he said with a slight mischievous smile.

Pause (brain processing what he just said, slight blinking on my part)

"What?!", I said with an incredulous smile. I know you readers have probably never seen those two words together, but yeah, that's what it was. Oddly enough, I've seen it so many times that I've gotten into the habit of giving incredulous smiles myself.

We ended the date after he did have to go to some personal thing, although at the end we gave one another a shoulder hug (no kiss on cheek) and he said to me with what had to be the most soulful eyes, "We should definitely do this again.".

"Okay! Bye!", I cheerfully waved goodbye.

I think that I didn't do anything at this point because I was automatically holding myself back for him to take the lead. A tad more...directly instead of indirectly.

Another week of non conversation goes by.

More thinking/confusion ensued.

What the fuck? The dude said he 'definitely' wanted to do that again. So why isn't he calling? And it isn't like he was being polite, or he wouldn't have done all that other stuff when we were having coffee. And what about all that other stuff at the ball? Did I imagine all this stuff? No. I didn't. I can be thick at times, but I'm not that thick.

I sent another message, thereby going into the territory no woman should ever go into. I've certainly have never called and initiated a "date" (whatever the fuck that all was) with a guy twice in a row. Yeah, there's the occasional, "Hey hon, want to go see a movie?" when I date some guys, but normally, I let the guy take care of that stuff. Although admittedly, I have recently (in the past year or so) been taking more of a role in the "What are we going to do tonight." discussion. This went hand in hand with the rise of my confidence.

When I wrote him, he told me that he would be out of town but would be coming back on X date.

Ok, so, he told me when he was coming back. Why? Why is he so weird to me? When I'm not interested in a person, I simply don't talk to them. I don't tell them my plans. I don't tell them when I'm coming back. Unless you're a friend though, but even then.....I would talk primarily about who and what I was going to be doing and not when I was coming back. I.E. "I'm going to Boston for the weekend to sleep and play video games with my friend. I'm really looking forward to it." or "I'm going to Vermont to go camping with a bunch of hippies who like to play trance music all night while communing with nature. Should be fun.".

So you can see my confusion. Two weeks later I emailed him again and asked him if he wanted to grab a cup of coffee. Thus began "The Five Hour 'Date'".

Although he was hungover the day we met, he did say that it would be nice to see me. I was touched as I remember some wicked hangovers where I did NOT want to talk to anyone.

He greeted me with a big hug and kiss on the cheek of which I was slightly surprised as he hadn't done that last time.

We talked, chatted, etc for a while. He mentioned he had a friend in town. We talked about how I did modeling and he asked me when he'd see me on the cover of a magazine. He then invited me back to his place.

"Is that okay?", he said.

Finally

"Yeah, it's fine, I mean....you have stuff to drink there, right?".

"Yeah."

"Okay, let me use the bathroom then."

I got into the bathroom and closed the door. Okay, it's finally happening. As soon as we get there I'm going to jump him.

I went out to meet him at the front.

"Let's go for a walk to the park first."., he said.

Touching.

I asked him what his friend was doing and he said, "shopping.". Lo and behold we walk by a store that I was interested in and mentioned something about wanting to get something from there online when he suggested we just go in.

"Okay." as I bounded/bounced to the store. I couldn't find what I was looking for so we continued on our merry way. He said that if I wanted to go into any store that it was totally cool with him.

We walked to the park. It was closed.

"Is your friend at your place?"

"No.", he replied rather curtly with an almost disgusted/irritated expression.

Okay, I won't be asking anymore questions about THAT then.

We continued walking.

"Where are we going?", I finally asked.

"I don't know."

"Okay."

"What to go play some pool?"

"Okay."

What about his place?

And so we went to go play some pool. It was touching. We had fun. He paid some more. I offered, although he of course said, "no" until, I guess, I had finally asked so many times he said, "okay" with a small smile.

During this game, he came up to me and nuzzled my neck. I just kind of stood there because I didn't know what to do. I think I may have patted his back.

We went to sit down where I proceeded to give him a few sultry looks. Nothing. We chatted some more. I was actually kind of getting bored. He asked me if I was dating anyone or had a boyfriend. "No", I replied. "I go on dates though, actually this one guy took me to the opera and it was kind of a disaster because he had really high/cheap seats and I got scared up there because it felt like I was going to topple over so I ran out after the first song. He was really disgusted with me. He did tell me that he got the cheap seats though and I hadn't realized how high those seats really were.".

"What an idiot.", he said. "He could've waited in line for some cheap seats that are available in the orchestra precisely for that reason.". (I'm editing here, but yes, they do exist and I forget exactly why but apparently some lady bought a bunch and they resell them for people to enjoy the opera when they have no money.)

I told him that I had dated a few other guys and that the last one had cheated on me, at which he shook his head with disgust.

"You're dating the wrong people."

"Okay."

We sat there for a bit in silence. Did I mention that there was no winking by this point? He also started seeming like an odd dresser to me again.

"I don't understand the U.S. dating system.", he continued. He is from Sweden.

"What don't you get about it?"

"The entire thing.".

"How do you date people then? Do the girls just fall into your lap?"

He smiled.

"Sometimes.".

"Or do you guys just get really drunk and then see what happens?".

"Sometimes.", he replied, still smiling.

At this point he looked exhausted, so I said, "Are you sure that you don't want to go home?".

"No.", he said curtly.

"I meant just you, you look exhausted."

"I'm fine."

We sat for a few seconds more in silence.

"How about you, what's your dating situation?"

"Mine?", he replied rather surprised and slightly irritated.

"Yes, well, you asked me and now I'm asking you."

He waved it away.

"I've dated a few people, but I fell in love with my best friend who wasn't interested in me. I'm still getting over that and it's been a year."

"A year?!", I said with another incredulous smile.

"Well, it seems like that."

"Wow.", I replied.

We chatted some more and he said something about how these hangover days were good for just chilling out and hanging out with friends, as he motioned towards me. Then he excused himself to the bathroom. A minute later a fellow sat down and asked me a question about the bar. I don't know why he sat down, but he got up when the guy came back. He (the guy I was supposedly having "coffee" with) looked at him.

"Making new friends?"

"Well, he just had a question about something."

He sat down again and then said that he wanted to go someplace else.

"Okay."

I'm getting bored here. I like spending time with him, but this is so boring. We've run out of things to talk about and he seems really tired and slightly grouchy. And what is up with his "friend" whose visiting him and why do I have a really strong feeling that it's the same girl he said he was in love with? And why the fuck did he just nuzzle me and then call me his friend?

We went to the bar where he said he had spent most of his time trying to get over the girl, especially in the beginning. This did not sound good to me. We stayed and chatted for a bit more but by this time, it was like five hours in and I was just...so....fucking...bored out of my mind. I felt bad though, kind of guilty. He seemed like he wanted me to stick around, but at the same time, since mentioning this other girl, he seemed to get more and more depressed and cranky and alternated between turning away from me at times to joking around with me. I didn't like that.

He asked me what I wanted to do and I said, "What do I want to do? I want to go home. I'm tired."

He stood there and nodded.

Then I asked him if he was going to walk me to the subway. He said no, that he was going to wait for his friend to meet him there.

"Okay."

"You know your way, right?"

"Yeah."

He gave me a big hug and kiss on my cheek.

The hug ended and he said something like, "Let's email one another." but I can't be sure as I had already turned away. I half turned back.

"You know you can email me, right?", I replied. Slightly irritated.

He looked scared. Kind of like when my cat does something he's not supposed to and I've caught him.

"Bye", I said. More irritated.

I left and knew a few things almost immediately.

A) He needs to get over this girl.
B) I'm not talking to him again because omg that was so boring/ slightly irritating and it felt like I was just keeping him company and I'm not going to be that desperate.
C) What the fuck happened?

I defriended him when I got back home and otherwise fell off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned.

I was slightly disappointed. Massively confused. I know one thing though and that is that I am never going to contact him again. I just can't do that again. He needs to figure out whatever he needs to figure out and I am not going to be one of those girls sitting in the sidelines, always available.

This made me laugh.

2009-02-19T15:37:00.000-08:00

I think that the "SUPER BUY!" just tops the cake.

So

2009-02-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

Y'all can read my previous post right? Well, I never got any responses and while I've found a bunch of stuff online, I figured the best way was to just buy a book on interacting with the Swedes. It's coming in the next two weeks via ground shipping. Because, you know, I think he's worth it and I can always re-sell it.

What else....my V-day was fun. I try to start writing about it, but then it all gets too personal.

I did eat some tasty food though.

More coming this weekend, when I can form my thoughts clearly enough.

I will say this though, I went on this date with this guy and you know, it just never took off, but the gosh darn guy just can't get it through his thick head that I'm not interested in him. He keeps trying to contact me. I had the horrible misfortune to run into him at the grocery store even though he doesn't live anywhere near me. He stopped walking when he saw me and smiled hopefully at me. Yes, because I'm going to change my mind all of a sudden upon seeing your face.

And the thing is, is that he is such a book smart guy, with a phd in such an interesting field, which is what I initially found attractive about him, except of course, that doesn't always equal street smarts. Or social skills. Anyway, whatever. I've clearly moved on.

Does anyone?

2009-02-10T15:53:00.001-08:00

Know anything about dating Swedish men?

Seriously. I'm lost.

Stopped taking prozac

2009-02-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

Intense grouchiness. But with a mild fever, it might be that I'm actually really sick. I really, really need to get laid.

Poet

2009-02-05T18:08:00.000-08:00

I've been watching "Oz" recently....just finished season two. Anyway, this scene is back from season one, but I've always liked it.

Anyway here it is.

the flu

2009-02-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

The "paxil flu" is in full effect. I feel like crap. No fever. Just a massive headache, dizziness, nausea and exhaustion.

It sucks.

bye bye paxil

2009-01-29T16:55:00.000-08:00

I stopped Paxil two days ago. My doctor switched me to Prozac to help with the discontinuation syndromes as I can't fucking stand those zaps and didn't want to start crying one day over not being able to choose the right staple size for the heavy duty stapler.

He said that the discontinuation symptoms would be mild (comparatively) than just going cold turkey from 5 mg of Paxil. For some reason I was under the impression that the discontinuation syndromes would occur after I stopped Prozac, but alas such is not the case. This morning I grew upset at my closet because all of my man-tailored shirts are like billowing sheets in the wind on me now that I've lost all that weight. My mom helped me find a nice sweater seat to wear instead as I held the large piece of cloth in my hands.

Anyway, I know it's not going to be a walk in the park and I get....frustrated because I hate going through the withdrawal and just want it to be over.

So..

2009-01-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

You know what I really dislike? When people talk about money...like how much they spent on this and that blah blah blah. If people compliment me on something that I am wearing, I tell them which store I bought it at so that maybe they can go pick it up for themselves as well.

Anyway, I did this photo shoot the other day. This guy was super eager to take my picture blah blah blah major tip off. I went anyway since it was near IKEA and my mom wanted to go there to look at a desk. Whatever. If all else failed, I could go there.

So I get there and the guy is nice and has a bunch of equipment around and gets me in front of his camera.

Now, I'm wearing a nice, cool top, but he doesn't like it and pulls out some clothes for me to try on. I pull out a plaid shirt and denim jacket to wear with my denim jeans. Cowboy look. He takes a few pictures and then suggests that I "sex it up" a bit.

"I like it like this.", I reply. He then goes on about hoe much money he's spent on all his equipment. $3000 dollars here, $200 there, new cameras, the whole shebang. He also talks about how his....live in buddy dates all these movie stars. Like I care.

I know he wants me to be impressed. To think he's cool by default. But I'm not.

So then he asks me slyly if I want to do some lingerie shots.

"Nope!", I say.

"Well, you'll need them for your book.".

I just kind of look at him because they are already in my book! He then says that if Victoria's Secret wanted me to do some lingerie, I'd do it. Well, let's dissect this shall we?

1. Oldest line in the book for you to get naked.
2. He doesn't work for them and is too small time to ever be even thought of for a millisecond by anyone at that company.

Oh, btw, he kept moving around a lot. And changing the music a lot. Throwing me off. He kept wanting me to get into the zone, but seriously...dude....don't play music for me to "get into the zone" and then put the darn thing on random. Techno->The Allman Bros. just doesn't work.

I finally told him that I had to get to IKEA. He decided to go through the pictures with me.

Omg, they are the ugliest pictures ever. My mother was rolling on the floor when she saw them. And..and...this all wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't asked me for a really exorbitant price to print them out on his own printer. I get that it costs money to print things. Trust me. I get it. But he was asking for a lot of money for a print, higher than I have ever paid at any store for any prints in NYC.

The whole thing sounded and felt like one big scam, where he would get these young girls, these young wannabe girls to pay this really high price for prints (btw, the shoot was TIME FOR PRINT), tell them what great shots they were so that they would believe him that they really did need to spend that kind of money and then go laughing all the way to the bank.

I didn't pay him anything. I just got out of there.

BTW, I took the kitten who thinks it's a dog to the vet the other day. They squeezed his anal glands. I don't think that I've ever heard a cat yell that loud. It sounded like he was right next to me, screaming. But really, he was downstairs in the basement where they do that stuff. Even the techs were floored. "He's quite vocal." , said the vet afterwards.

I was also in quite a happy mood as this rather nice, young receptionist gave me a baggy to hold all the candy I got out of the dispensers. They were broken, so you just needed to jiggle the machine to get candy out. I had a whole bunch of reese's pieces in my hands when some of them fell onto the floor and she came by with the bag. She laughed like it was really cute. I smiled because I love Reese's.

ANYWAY. I just spent like two hours looking for an icon for my gmail group. Yes, group. Yes, two hours. No, I did not find one I liked.

I'm off to the bath.

Oh Gosh

2009-01-26T17:21:00.000-08:00

Am I tired. Posts coming soon. Had a nutty weekend. Cat nightmare at vet, hot girl syndrome, the whole sha-bang.

omg

2009-01-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so hungry....

but WHY?!?!?!?!

I'm also really looking forward to this weekend as I have a date with a smooth talking Italian. Seriously. He's good. He puts romantic to a whole new level. Every word he speaks is like....butter. Nah...like peanut butter. The smooth kind.

Let's hope that no hard...chunky nut pieces got into the mix.

What do you do...

2009-01-11T13:10:00.001-08:00

I've always mulled over people who are uptight during sex. This guy I used to date would tell me that I couldn't speak when we were having sex. Not one peep. Obviously I don't have sex with him anymore, but I grabbed brunch with him a few days ago and besides the fact that he's crazy and he's not getting any saner (which is a whole other story...), that whole non speaking thing was on my mind.

He tells me that he's always found me sexy and loves fucking me, but then...why can't I speak? I felt like I could never satisfy him. I was cold. I was hot. I wore conservative clothes and slutty clothes. I've eye fucked him. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. We broke up after like a month (about two years ago) and kept in contact with one another.

But then, we're watching this show after brunch and he's telling me how he has a crush on one of these actors.

"I love him.", he said. "He's so good looking. I have such a crush on him." as he smiled wistfully at the T.V..

I have gay friends and everything, but I guess it's just weird that some guy you used to date seems more interested in some guy on TV rather than your exposed back and the above mentioned eye fucking. Was he just not that interested?

I told him afterwards via IM that I had wanted to fuck him. He said he had missed the signs and that I should've just grabbed his balls. I told him that since he hadn't replied to my signs I didn't want to push any further and possibly....terrify him. Then he said that maybe it was a good thing, because I had always been too good for him sexually. Too into it for him to deal with. I think it had made him feel uncomfortable, although if he had confidence and was ok in bed, that is far better than being great in bed and having no confidence.

So it's weird.

And as far as my sexual prowness goes, well... remember that scene in "American Beauty" where Annette Bening is getting fucked by that real estate guy? That's me, except not as obnoxious sounding.

Toilets at work part 92384723

2009-01-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

I've written about the bathroom at work a few times, mostly about my liking for handicapped bathrooms that locked so that I could take a nap. I no longer need to take naps at work because the paxil isn't knowcking me out, but it was pleasant anyway.

So at a lot of office buildings in Manhattan...at least the nicer ones, they have this super intense flushing system in their washrooms. I think they are designed for massive dumps. There is no trace...no clogging....no nothing. They are sucked down.

Now, the bad thing about these toilets is that they are motion activated...ok...well...I guess that could be a good thing, but well...this is what happened to me at work today.

I had a black shirt on with a skirt and a need to pee after lunch. So in I go and sit down and for some reason I move my torso a bit further away from the motion detector to rest my elbows on my knees.

KAFLUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It felt like a cherry bomb had exploded in the toilet. The entire bowl shook and I jumped a bit from shock.

Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is to not move when you're sitting on a toilet that has a motion sensor activating flushing system and you're wearing a black shirt.

Finally

2009-01-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

Most of the symptoms are over.

Let's see, what is new.

I finally bought a new powercord for my mac. This is a big thing as I fucking hate the mac store because of all the mac emo hipsters who work there and while they seem like they know what they are talking about, it frustrates me because they also seem very out of place. Like they should be behind their macs at home. Or they think it's a cool place to work because of their idol Steve Jobs. There's something empty behind all of their faces, it's like they must go through this intense customer service training (perhaps due to a lack of human contact) and they just never quite get it down. They're nice and all......but something is missing.

I also hate greeters at the door. But that is just my personal preferance as I like to be undisturbed when shopping.

I'll tell you something, I am really sick of how my powercords for my ibook g4 keep breaking right where the wire enters into the plug. This is the fourth one. I wouldn't be so anal about replacing them if my friend hadn't told me that the same thing had happened to his powercord and started a fire.

Plus once you twist them around a lot, they break even more.

Apparently people are scared to ride in the elevator with Steve Jobs because there is a high chance of him firing you for some reason or another if you do something stupid in that short time. I wouldn't be scared of riding with him, I'd want to. I'd give him a piece of my mind about their powercords for their ibook g4.

Even though he would probably ignore me and have me escorted out of the building.

Though going on the theme of a lack of fear that I've been having, I'd have to say that it's quite high for me. It's just that for a lot of things that happen in daily life, I know that it's not a big deal if something wrong goes down or if I make a mistake. I can't say I'm scared of meeting new people or doing anything like that, but maybe that's because....I have more confidence. Plus two years in the nightclub industry is enough to jade anyone of anything bad happening if you don't mess up that much. You have people yelling at you all the time in clubs, trying to get into your pants constantly, getting you messed up, you're dealing with office politics in a grander scale so to speak where the large x factor is what drugs the other person is on and where they are on their trip at the time of discussion.

There are some things that do make me afraid though, like the health of my family....friends.... stuff like that.

I wonder what it's going to be like when I fully get off of paxil. Maybe I should do that over the weekend of Martin Luther King day.

-Jordan

more paxil withdrawal

2009-01-01T09:55:00.002-08:00

Random flashes of anger, short temper, extreme lethargy, and slight panic attacks (over the amount of caffeine in my system...seriously.).

Z wants to take me out to a "real brunch" when he gets back from vacation. I've been to more than a few brunches so far, but I am nevertheless intrigued by his choice of words.

Paxil decrease

2008-12-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

Went down another 5mg on Wednesday night....from 10 mg. I have had the wonderful opportunity to discover "night sweats" because of it.

I get them even when I'm sleeping during the day.

Happy holidays!

2008-12-21T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am loving this facial hair thing that guys have got going on these days. It gets me all hot and bothered.

How/Why

2008-12-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

Why are there no commercials for non electronic toys this year? I can't remember the last time I saw an ad for a board game. I just see ads for video games for various systems and new televisions.

I think this is a little ridiculous.

"Idiocracy" anyone?

Reality TV

2008-12-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

I've recently been watching a lot of reality TV. I actually can't stand it, but when you're sick at home with basic cable you don't have much of a choice. Reading is out of the question, because for some reason I just can't focus on the words when I'm not feeling well.

I am amazed at the people who are on reality TV. A few weeks ago I caught an episode of "Wife Swap" on ABC or something. In it, they had this family in California who swapped wives with a Main family. Of course the CA family was all rich and shit; nouveau-riche I'd call them, and the ME family worked in fishing. I can't say that I was taken aback by the ME family, but I found so many things wrong with the CA family. The first of which was how they let their kids do anything they wanted, and by that I mean they had to choose what activities they wanted to do around the house. If they wanted to play ball or play board games or something like that. They could also spend all day watching TV, which is exactly what they did end up doing. Those kids were also some of the biggest brats I've ever seen. But the FATHER took the cake. He was dressed like a sixteen year old skater kid. Except he was like....forty. He didn't even dress well. And then he freaked out when the lady from Maine tried to air-dry their laundry claiming the air wasn't clean enough for the clothes and wanted her to dry it via the dryer.

What.

The.

Fuck.

If anyone has ever air-dried their clothes (which I imagine is a fairly large number of people), you'd know that the clothes ALWAYS smell better. I'm not even going to touch the dirty air comment either.

I've also caught a few episodes of "Stylista" as well. Wow. What a crappy show. I do not understand why anyone would want to work for the witch in charge of Elle. I don't know why anyone let's her do the voice-over for the show because she sounds remarkably flat.

And what is up with the challenges? Apparently the first challenge was getting her breakfast. Are you fucking serious? Is that all that they could come up with? Soon after, she brought in her bitchy little ten year old niece who wanted a big fancy birthday party and sounded like a big brat.

I went to school on the upper east side. The school which is the basis of "Gossip Girl" to be exact. We had some spoiled kids there, but that little girl takes the cake. Watch the clip below, it's about four minutes in.

The editor also uses a microphone to communicate to her busy assistant. She laughs like it's funny, but it's really not and I'm sure it was a passive-aggressive move on her assistant's part. Watch the clip below.

Ugh, I'm so disgusted.

Edit: This is an absolutely hilarious take on the Stylista episode I'm referring to. It even mentions "Passions"!!!! Bwahaha.

http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/stylista/stylista-childs-8231.php

Been sick

2008-12-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

Stuff coming soon.

So...so....

2008-12-02T12:25:00.000-08:00

I did a photoshoot for my mom's friends lingerie/makeup place. It's about an hour into Jersey from NYC. Anyway, they did a horrible makeup job, but I gave it my best as I posed in lingerie.

I got the pictures today.

And...

And....

I look like a hooker.

In all of the pictures.

It's so embarrassing. Even so for my mom who had to look like she really liked them as her friend went through all of them with her. In front of a whole bunch of their friends.

Oy vey.

Thanksgiving and the day after

2008-11-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was interesting to say the least. My brother and I went up to upper CT to spend thanksgiving with his friends. We were picked up in Queens. When we heard the car horn beeping (we were on the ground floor), we exited the building, me first. As I opened the outside door, I met the eyes of the driver. A shock ran through me, like when you see someone amazing and you just can't think and the only words that can come out of your mouth is a "hi". I wasn't expecting that at all. I gave a small smile back, thinking to myself that the only reason why he was smiling at me was because he thought I was someone else.

I sat up front because I get so carsick it's ridiculous. My brother sat in back with this other girl. The entire time we were driving, he kept on talking to me. Smiling at me from the corner of his eye. We found out that we had a lot in common. We stopped for alcohol halfway through. My brother had to go to the food market so he and I along with the other girl drove to the liquor store. The other girl and I went into the store where the girl promptly broke down because she couldn't figure out what kind of alcohol the host of the party needed and kept ringing him on the phone with her choices. She told me that she could take care of it herself so I went back to the car. I told him what was happening and he let out a big sigh while shaking his head. He didn't go into the store to help.

I suppose I should let the dear readers know about the other girl? Well, that was his girlfriend. Within five minutes of me being in that car I could tell that the relationship was going nowhere.

So we get to the house and I just couldn't look at him because every time I did, he would be looking at me and that shock would go through me again. I also didn't want the girlfriend to notice the intensity. It was like the only person he was speaking to was me, because he didn't look anywhere else when our eyes met.

This is not to say that he was a bad boyfriend and ignored his girlfriend, I'm saying that he acted in that way that guys do when they're going to break up with a girl soon. Polite but distant. This of course, made his girlfriend insecure as she kept on looking to him for....agreement in the conversations she was having. I can't think of how to describe it, but it was noticeable.

He and I got into a few really intense conversations about the things that we had in common, so much so that we actually alienated people. No one came to bother us even though the house was really small and we were in the comfy living room. When one person looked in and saw the two of us having our discussion, they stopped and turned around. I thought that was pretty funny.

They (him and his gf) had asked if we (my bro and I) were going to stay the night at the beginning. I seem to recall that they were supposed to spend the night and then head back the next day. But towards the end of the night, the guy asked my brother nad I if we wanted a ride back to the city. My brother thought that was just great and said yes ( we were going to take the train otherwise).

En route home, his gf fell asleep in the back as I got carsick. I had him stop three times because I was so sick. But you know what was great about it, was that he took it all in stride. He didn't even care and in fact made a few jokes to cheer me up as I was really embarrassed by it all. Even my brother thought that was really nice of him. I hate being sick in front of people. The plan was to drop me off near the 59th street bridge so that they could go on to Queens, which was where everyone else lived.

You know what he did? The guy drove me home even with my brother saying that I should just take a cab from Queens. We were about to pull off the FDR when he said, "fuck it" and kept on going down to the Houston street exit.

I thought that was really great because I hadn't really wanted to take a cab home anyway at that time (it was around midnight) when I wasn't feeling well.

I (and my brother later) thanked him profusely. I'm now thinking over it today. He still made quite an impression on me but it's all convoluted because of the whole girlfriend thing.

Short conversation from last night

2008-11-26T15:08:00.000-08:00

At last night's youth group meeting, during the socializing bit of it.

Frenchman (to me): You are my favorite one (meaning woman) here.
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls.
Frenchman: No, no just you.
Me: I bet you say that as well.

I guess he didn't know what to do so he kissed me on the cheek.

Happy thanksgiving!

nothing beats

2008-11-22T18:49:00.001-08:00

A situation where your boyfriend breaks up with you the week before you fly down to see him, costing you money, because he doesn't want to be exclusive. He doesn't offer to reimburse (not that I would've accepted, it just would have been the nice thing to do).

Then he says that he still wants to spend time with you, but that the long distance thing just wasn't working out and can't wait to see you over xmas break and spending time with you next summer.

Then he doesn't talk to you.

Then you find out that he's not really a senior in college, but a junior! And that he's never lived in any other state except his home state and his parental units don't have doctorates. (thirty minutes on the internet found that out)

Then today some girl posts pictures of the two of them making out and cuddling on facebook

I defriended him.

Sometimes

2008-11-16T19:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel very frustrated about this whole paxil thing.

Note: I'm feeling kind of bitchy today since I'm getting my period in two days.

I never wanted to go on it. My friend had seemed so happy on wellbutrin, that's why I wanted to go on wellbutrin, but I guess my GP put me on it for the panic attacks.

My psychiatrist and I had our monthly meeting the other day. He talked to me about decreasing my dosage as we had gone from thirty mg to 10 mg (no real problems except those zaps) but nothing further as I was leery about that. But after I left, it got me thinking. Why didn't I try to go down more on paxil? My life is much more settled now. My brother has a baby and thus is occupied now (And I'm sure much happier as he is more depressed than I ever was.) and staying out of my hair. I have two great cats who I come home to, my mom is around, I have more confidence and I think that that's the best thing really that's come of the wellbutrin. Paxil made me not care, which was a great step forward, but now I'm confident and I think that that's more important than not caring ever was.

So I thought about it for a week, talked to my mom about it and then gave him a call. He wants me to wait a month as I just started a new job and he wants to make sure that it's the paxil that's causing any effects and not the new job stress.

I can't wait.

Odds and ends part 209345

2008-11-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

So I remembered this funny line the other day from when I was at the gyno.

Dr.: You're only sleeping with one person at a time, right?
Me: I can only take one guy at a time.

I actually didn't say that, I just said, "yes".

I was at a casting the other day that agency models were going to. I was definitely older then they were and I realize now that maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh on myself for ....whatever, for being young and naive. For being your average girl. I used to think that the other girls were much smarter than me and more confident, but really....what I saw the other day....they weren't. I was just like them.

We all changed in the same room and a sudden hush went around when I took off my shirt, exposing my tattoo. I guess that they had the whole "No tattoos" drilled into their mind that a model with a tattoo was strange to them.

Really, it just means that I don't do swimsuit/lingerie and even if I did they could just photoshop it out. They aren't going to be taking pictures of my back for the most part.

I also simply do not care.

What I found amusing is that you're supposed to wear heels to all your castings. I don't know why but I imagine it makes you look a little less like a gangly teenager and more like a woman, looks better than sneakers and gets you to stand up straight. Ever since I started sleeping on the floor, I've been standing up straighter.

So therefore, I don't carry around heels and actually forgot about that little "rule". When I changed into the designers clothes, I just came out wearing my doggy socks. When I went back into the changing room one of the girls asked out loud if she was supposed to go out barefoot or in heels and I responded that I had gone out in socks. She just ignored me.

Anyway, I'm immensely frustrated with my life these days. I'm supposed to be started this job "any day now!" for a friend, but the start date keeps getting pushed back. I'm not yet bringing in a lot of money from the modeling thing. My mother is desperate for money from me, though really I just think it's her OCD that keeps on bringing up the money issue every day even though I'm already trying to make money.

And I'm single! Here! At age twenty three, I'm a fucking tall, skinny blonde and no one ever asks me out to dinner. They just gape at me. I wish that guys would just come up and ask me out already instead of just eyeing me over or being some creepy GWC.

Past and present

2008-11-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

Something has been bothering me recently.

I have a profile on MM. Within my first two days I came across this profile of this dude who I had gone on a date with all the way back in '04 or early '05.

I can't remember how we met, but we went out for sushi near his place. Now, I didn't know it was near his place until dinner when he told me. I think this was early '05 because my head was not on straight and so it must've been a month or two after my dad had died. I was also nineteen and naive.

I was still messing around with modeling and still remarkably thin. Size 4 and 5'11" (quick note, agencies want size 6 and below....preferably size 4 and below). I worked out for three hours a day. I was intense on those god damned machines in the gym. I did strength training. I could've probably out squatted you back then.

Anyway, we're eating at dinner and this guy goes on and on about his photography and what not. I told him that I had gone to some well known modeling agencies and how one of the ladies there told me to get a nose job causing me to cry about a block away after leaving.

And you know what he said to me? He chuckled and then told me that I should lose some more weight in order to be taken as a serious model. I listened and agreed with him.

Today, if he told me that, I'd like to say that I would have punched him, but more likely I would've just gotten up and left and I didn't do that and it makes me so angry.

Afterwards we went back to his studio (which then turned out to be where he lived as well) and we settled in for a movie and started making out etc.

We ended up having sex and he told me that the condom "felt a little loose" and to hold on a sec. Now, I thought that he was just adjusting it. What did he do? He fucking took it off and didn't tell me. I knew immediately. I asked him what the hell that was about and he said, "well, I told you it was loose!".

I got up and got dressed and walked out of there and was so pissed that I did not know which way uptown was. I walked a few blocks lost in chinatown (it's extremely difficult for me to get lost in NYC as I am a native manhattanite) crying while he continued to defend himself via text.

I got tested and everything and it was ok, but gosh was I pissed. I saw a casting call from him recently and he said that he was looking for size 0-2 models and I just got so frustrated again with him telling me to lose more weight back at that dinner. He was no better than that woman who told me to get a nose job.

What an asshole.

Odds and ends

2008-11-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to write that much about the election, but I am glad for a few things now that this whole thing is over.

1. No longer listening to these diehard liberals. You know what I mean by that. The ones who pass around those emails with a wolf eating Palin? Yeah. And just so you don't think I'm one sided, I did roll my eyes up at the woman who thought Obama was an "A-rab" as she pronounced it.

2. Hopefully (like Gov. Patterson said) people will realize that they can't depend on excuses about the color of their skin tone as much as before. It doesn't matter what you look like, because anyone can accomplish anything if they just try really hard and don't have Bill Clinton as their husband. ;)

3. Obama is not 100% African American people! He's biracial! I suppose that "African -American" is easier to say, but it's incorrect. **

4. On to local politics....So Bloomberg wants to run for a third term, so he changed the term limits. How did that happen? By a VOTE. Obviously Bloomberg then needs to be re-elected in order to serve that third term. SO WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND? All these people are protesting, they called up his office to complain, they have signs and protests, but really....folks, just don't vote for him if you don't like him! It's beyond me why no one has realized this. If I'm missing something here, please do fill me in. **

5. Gosh I need to get laid. I have someone who I could just call up, and in fact we are in contact with one another....but....meh. I suppose that I want to have sex with someone who means something to me (more than just a friend) because that sex is so much better. I feel more uninhibited. I suppose this is contributing to the cranky mood I've been in recently.

6. And finally......my wonderful, cool, hip, punk sneakers have met their end. I bought them at Payless for $15 bucks last christmas and have made it this far. Unfortunately when I walk outside and it's wet, my feet get soaked. The rubber sole has worn away that much. They sure were comfy as well. I really like slip on sneakers. So convenient for when you're just walking around or going to a friends house. I have a pair of lace up ones. Those are for my kick ass days.

**Read comments for a continuation of this discussion.

Last night @ the party

2008-10-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

I went to this big fancy shindig the other night. It was one of those parties that takes place on the top floor of an important building, with amazing views to Queens. A piano player in the background. Red and white wine. A large amount of white people. Mostly everyone worked in finance. Lots and lots of pearls. That kind of party. Specifically it was a weekly gathering of young people, with a few older people as well. Kind of a "social-mixer" thing.

I was flustered when I got there because I am so unused to wearing heels and kept tripping over my feet on the way to first avenue from the subway. Furthermore, when I arrived I could NOT get that stupid little name tag on. Signs of the evening to come.

I was disappointed when I got there because they had passed hors d'oeuvres. When the food is passed, generally people eat less. I considered this a nefarious scheme against my stomach.

After basically stalling one of the little waitresses (Seriously. On average, I was a good foot taller than the people at this party except for some Norwegians who were standing in a corner.) so that I could get enough to eat (I LOVE new foods), I started to take in my surroundings. I noticed something odd. I couldn't see any other woman wearing pants. I started strolling around to see if this was an accurate conclusion......and it was.

Dammit, these fucking dress codes!

Apparently the unsaid rule is that the ladies wear skirts to these parties. I was invited by my step-mother who had failed to mention this little tidbit of info. Someone pulled me aside and told me that later on in the evening.

I went over to talk to this one guy who seemed like a rather nice young man, slightly nervous though. We ended up talking about something that I've now forgotten. However, when I learned that he and I had something in common, I was so excited that I slapped him on the shoulder really hard, like how I do with my guy friends.

"Oh yeah! That's awesome!", I recall saying as well.

The poor guy almost fell over from the force of the slap. I apologized, but he looked up at me absolutely terrified.

Whoops

I moved onto the next person.

I then spoke with a nice young couple..... or so I thought. The man told me that he worked at a government agency; one that I have always wanted to be a part of.

"No way! I've always wanted to work there. How did you get the job?" I asked.

He replied rather jokingly that he went to the spa with the rather famous head of the agency and that's how he got the job.

We laughed.

My next question was baited as I found the guy attractive (the girl and guy didn't seem to be a couple, though the girl was glaring at me while trying to ignore me at the same time. Weird, yes....but you know what I mean.).

"So, I heard that you need a masters to get into that agency, is that true?"

He nodded and started to explain how that sometimes you didn't need one if you had done internships and what not with the agency. He was interrupted by the girl.

"They only want smart people working there", she said to me rather cattily.

"That makes sense.", I replied while nodding in agreement. Silence filled the air. I excused myself to get another Sprite. It wasn't worth it.

As I was there, I ran into my alcoholic step-mother. She was getting some wine. The bartender poured her a glass. She took it, looked at it and then motioned that he should fill it more. She didn't SAY anything, she literally pointed at the glass and motioned towards it. If I could've let out a sigh there, it would've been fucking loud. That was last night folks. Interesting stuff, eh? Yeah. Sorry...I can't think about anything better except to complain about how all these photographers keep wanting to shoot outdoors in spring/summer clothing. I keep freezing my ass off....but it pays! Oh how it pays.

BTW, did anyone see The Office tonight? Man, that whole joker thing was absolutely fucking hilarious.

What's new....

2008-10-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

I shot my first commercial this past week. It was really neat! We shot it over two days. I don't have a speaking part, but they filmed me doing a whole bunch of things while acting happy with my "husband". My "husband" was this smoking hot guy....who mumbled. So I couldn't hear a thing he was saying. Plus, I ripped my last contact, so I only had one in and had a real hard time seeing (it would've been worse without the contacts and they didn't want me wearing my glasses).

Film shoots are totally different than photo shoots; besides the basic stuff, I think that the biggest difference is the amount of food at a film shoot. Man, I just about gorged myself on food. And no one complained about how fat they were! I LOVED IT! Though by the end of the second day, I had an intense sugar rush from eating an entire box of fruit rolls ups (my mom doesn't keep sugar candy in the house, only sugar free stuff).

Then we had to eat cupcakes for the scene we were filming and I had no water to dilute the sugar effects. I walked out of there saying to myself that I would be happy if I never saw another candy bar again.

It was shot in HD as well!

Also, I came to the conclusion the other week, that waxing my armpits was the way to go. This after ten years or so of shaving.

For those of you who don't know what comes next, let me explain.

Waxing is already painful. But if you shave-shave-shave, your hair gets used to the shaving. So when you wax, it really hurts. I forgot this as I've been waxing down there for so long.

First you gotta grow your hair out. It is fucking itchy shit.

Then, when I did wax, it hurt SO BAD that I didn't get all of it off. It just hurt too much to finish. My armpits are all red and irritated now. STILL! TODAY! Twenty four hours later!!!!!!! AND they're still fucking itchy!!!!!

So, I've come to the conclusion that laser hair removal is the way to go. As soon as I have the disposable income for it.

A few things

2008-10-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I dated this guy who worked in a cheese store. It was fitting, since I loved cheese. I was always in there, partly for the food and partly because it was staffed by a bunch of guys in their twenties and I was lonely.

So I dated this guy and he....was just an asshole to me in the end. Looking back on it now, I can see that he's terribly depressed. Coupled with my low self-esteem...well... you can imagine how it went.

He and I broke up and he went away to school and thus stopped working at the cheese store. But since all the guys were friends, he often stopped by for a shift here and there.

By this time, I was getting free cheese here and there and well....I can't say that I wanted to give that up. Plus, I knew the guys by then and my seventeen year old self was stubborn.

I started talking to one guy, let's call him "B". He and I got along very well, and we ended up having a relationship about a year after I had broken up with the first guy. He was the sweetest, kindest guy you could ever meet. But he didn't have a lot of ambition, if any. I got really frustrated by that. Plus he was 25 when I was 18 and the age difference started getting to us.

He started feeling guilty and awkward about the whole relationship, especially when he would work with my ex. We never told my ex anything, but...you know...it was weird.

We broke things off, and drifted apart. Last time I saw him was right after my panic attacks and before going on meds (literally a week apart since I couldn't get an appointment sooner). I was really a frazzled mess. He was back with his gf.

So, two years go by. I still talked to my ex and he still talked to B, but B and I never spoke. I was so full of regret, because he had always been so thoughtful and nice to me but it just didn't work out, plus from my depression relationships were weird. I emailed him here and there, but didn't get much of a response, so I just let it go.

Today I was leaving the baking section at the food store and about five feet away, looking at me was a rather familiar face. His hair was longer, he had a beard and lost the glasses, but it was B.

We spoke and caught up and it was just great. His life is more together now as is mine. We hugged for such a long time and he wants to catch up some more.

I can't help but feel like crying. Happy crying. I just want to hug him again. I've missed him so much. I remember how his hair felt when I ran my fingers through it, what it was like lying on his chest after making love. The shampoo that he used. His sheets. The cheese. The way he smells. Wearing his sweatshirts when I was cold.

Weird how the past just catches up with us one day when you least expect it.

Modeling

2008-10-18T17:30:00.001-07:00

So I did the modeling thing the other day and wow...
It was a lot of fun, except for when one guy kept poking me in the eye with eyeliner and asked me, "WHY DO YOU KEEP TEARING UP!?!?"". :) I didn't say anything to counteract that though, since I know that they had deadlines that they were working with.

I think that the funniest thing that happened was during lunch. Throughout the morning everyone was complaining about non-existent fat. So when it came time to eat, everyone got salads with water. I had brought a sandwich from home, and after checking out the fridge on the floor, I took a few sodas from there to drink (and to bring home). I don't think that any of those people ever drink any sodas there. It was THAT WELL STOCKED.

So, I opened up my root beer (regular) and ate my chicken salad sandwich. It was awesome. Seriously, it was a damn good sandwich.

No one really said anything except to give my food/drink a look of disgust a few times. It did not deter me.

Though as I was leaving at the end of the day, the old feeling of, "What did I just eat? I need to walk it off!" filled my head, before getting squashed out with other thoughts. I'm not getting back into that mindset. It's just not healthy.

Politics part...2?

2008-10-17T11:49:00.001-07:00

I can't wait till this election is over.

A day of great things.

2008-10-15T12:27:00.001-07:00

1. When I woke up today, I saw that I had finally gotten my invitation to be a debutante at the Quadrille Ball. I have been looking forward to it for a really long time, and my family also wants me to do it as well.

2. I responded to a bunch of modeling ads on a certain website (not craigslist) and a certain large cosmetics company is interested in using me as a make up model. I only get paid in product, but it's still pretty awesome and their cosmetics rock.

3. I just saw Rosario Dawson in my building (section 8 housing no less!!!). I was going to get my mail since I knew that my Degrassi Junior High S3D3 was arriving today. This actor who lives in my building was getting his mail as well. I had just seen him on L&O SVU and was going to say "congrats" but he was talking to these two girls. So after throwing out my junk mail and standing outside for a second to two to get the fresh air, I headed back in. They were all standing at the foot of the stairs, where one girl was saying goodbye. I normally hate the people who stand in the middle of the stairway saying goodbye, but as I was walking I thought I recognized her....but from where? Then I realized who she was.

It was pretty awesome. She's really pretty in real life.

Just waiting for one more good thing to happen and this might go down as one of the best days in my life.

(Aside from that time I was on the cover of the NYP Pulse section. That was really awesome.)

Odds and ends

2008-10-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

1. I watched the SATC movie the other day. Wow. That makes for an awkward experience when watching it with your mother. On top of the fact that it was so.....unbelievable. Seriously. Here are the things that I have some beef about.

A. Carrie dates this guy on and off for ten years. Anyone else see the problem here?

B. Carrie got quite carried away planning her first wedding. I think big warning signs would be going off (and indeed they did go off for me) when Big reacted negatively to the large guest number and the page six mention. I mean, come on lady. Work with him here. It's a freaking joint event! It's the epitome of a joint event! No wonder he freaked out about it. Plus, he didn't know what vows to write? Yeah.

C. Too much nudity of that red haired chick with bad teeth. Yeah, I know her scene only lasted like....thirty seconds, BUT IT WAS THIRTY SECONDS TOO MUCH.

D. That being said, I actually did like the Samantha character and the brunette chick in this film. THEY seemed the most realistic.

E. Penis. Did we need to see the penis? We saw the ass, we know he's naked.

Here's my beef with nudity. (I just had a bunch of hamburger buns...I think that's why I keep saying beef.) If it MAKES SENSE to have the nudity in the film; instead of it being gratuitous, then I'm all for it. Like a scene where the uptight mistress of some large estate finally lets loose and skinny dips or something.

I can already hear the collective sigh that women make when seeing that guys package.

God, we are a repressed society.

F. Why did Charlotte need to hobble around for half the movie. Why? Anyone else notice that?

Other than that, I'm glad that there was a female oriented film out there (As so few are being made these days. Apparently America consists only of white males.) I just...wish that it hadn't been so cringe- inducing.

But the FASHION. Oh how I loved the fashion.

2. I miss my boyfriend and can't wait to get laid again. I also miss a whole bunch of other mushy stuff about him that I can't post here b/c...it's....too.....mushy.

Bankers v. Consulants.

2008-10-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

Truer words were never....rapped before. Obviously funnier for people who are familiar with the culture.

Those muscles on that guy are something else eh?

ugh

2008-10-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

Been feeling rather lonely for the past few days. Can't tell you how much I miss office boy.

My mom made this lasagna for us last weekend. She told me to heat up a slice when I was hungry. It's really not the best lasagna I've ever had, but whatever. I finally got so sick of it today, that I threw out the rest of it. Now I'm hungry, but I just couldn't eat it anymore.

Otherwise spending most of my day moping around.

Oh and you know when you're filling out forms for work and the ask you to list all the places you've lived in the past seven years? It's a fucking bitch to fill those out when you have divorced parents and shared custody.

Entertainment.

2008-10-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

You may be asking yourself, "How does that girl go all those months without having sex?".

Well, here's your answer:

Female ejaculation.

I will say that this is not a myth. The first time it happened to me was really an accident as I wasn't planning on it at all. Something sure felt different though. Then I noticed the big wet stain under me. I thought that I had peed by accident, but it sure didn't smell like that. Plus, I've never taken a piss while having sex. At that moment, I remembered when I was sixteen and my friend told me a story where the same thing had happened to her, and we had all come to the conclusion that the culprit was that she must've had a female ejaculation.

So then, I was like, "Windy, you gotta figure out how to do this again.".

I looked it up online; tips, tricks and all that fun stuff. After trying a few more times, I can honestly say that I was successful again today! I can't say it was the easiest thing, but I did it! So awesome. Just had to share.

And yes; it was a pretty sweet orgasm. Definitely up there.

Passions

2008-10-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

The summer between eight and ninth grade, I would hang out at my friend's house. We didn't have much to do up in Westchester, so she and I got hooked on soap operas. At this time, Passions began.

Passions was by far, the most insane soap opera ever. I'll spare you the finer details but a few things that REALLY stand out in my mind are as follows....

The show went SO SLOW. The characters would just keep on talking about THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And then EVERYONE had to have a flashback. EVERYONE. Like at least FIVE PEOPLE on a good...week. One day in Passions land, could last at least two weeks. Most of the time it was more like a month. Of course this caused them to totally speed up the time-line during the holidays so that they could have that special "holiday" episode. There were also constant dream sequences that would carry on for days/weeks and would only irritate me because it meant that no "real" story time had passed.

It was really headache inducing, but since I would watch DOOL, I often found myself watching Passions afterwards. If I missed a day, really.....it wasn't the end of the world. It meant I missed five minutes of Passions time.

And the orangutan! With the fantasies!

And Timmy! (I still remember when I had heard about his passing.)

Oh the memories.

It bit the dust this year. I guess that they were not planning on it, because it looks like most of the storylines were still unresolved.

For a funnier recap, go to this link : http://www.rotten.com/library/culture/passions/

Politics

2008-10-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

You'll notice that I never discuss politics on this blog. Why? It's because everyday one person or another tells me why I should be voting for one candidate over another. Thanks Prof. Patriot, because you told me what an evil person XYZ is, I'll be sure to vote for their opponent.

What I love more, is seeing on facebook all these people posting random news stories about the economy and blaming one candidate or the other. Or they find opinion pieces and post those. I don't mind having political discussions with a person, but I think that it should be under fair circumstances. None of this candidate bashing. Obviously no one is perfect.

When I was in art school, I heard the word, "scary" to describe candidates. What are we, in third grade? This person is "scary"? Hearing the word being used like that was eye rolling inducive. What a simple word to describe someone. I guess that I was just expecting them to use examples and to say something like, "Wow, their national policies are a little nerve-wracking to me because blah blah blah.".

I'm feeling rather inundated by politics these days, which is probably the reason for feeling like this. I get like this every November.

I will say this, though. When I heard Margaret Cho say that McCain was a "bad soldier" because he was caught, it really churned my stomach. I'm not going to give my opinion on what I think about war or about McCain; but for God's sake, at least support our troops. It's not easy for them to be away from home, with the prospect of death looming so near. At least give them that.

Alright then.

2008-10-01T10:21:00.001-07:00

Finally feeling better.

A few things:

I went for two job interviews the other day. The first one was with a recruiter. I really hate recruiters as they always post these ads for jobs that don't exist when you get in there. Then, you only get one shot with them. If your interview doesn't go well, they move on to other people.

The recruiter told me that I didn't have a chance of getting a job in this economy, unless my typing skills were really good. Even then, they would only put me into the "stand-by" box as I hadn't gone to "Secretary School.". I asked them if such a thing even existed and apparently they do! Fancy that. After about a half hour of hearing about my lack of future job prospects, the interview was over.

Then I went for a second job interview, which went very well. They offered me the job. Bwahahaha.

The only negative effect of this is that my feet have these awful blisters from walking around in uncomfortable shoes. I'll be breaking out the flip flops for the rest of the week.

Things are still going strong with office boy. I can't tell whose more obsessed with the other in the relationship. It kind of goes back and forth.

I kinda like it.

Though admittedly, I am dying for some sex. Only one more month. Trying not to think about it.

Forgive me.

2008-09-28T10:55:00.001-07:00

I've been sick for the past few days, thus the lack of updates.

More coming soon, when I have my coherent thought process back up to normal.

youtube clips

2008-09-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

1. Someone sent this to me and I think it's pretty awesome.

2. New Amsterdam was good for two things. The stunning Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and this opening sequence (which was nominated for an emmy this year but lost out to Mad Men).

I think that if it had better writers it could've done very well, even as a movie or a mini-series. Also, poor Nikolaj never looked like he knew what to do with a gun when he was pointing it at someone. Plus, how does he have a job? Where did he get his SSN from? How did he pass the background checks? Maybe he should've been a P.I..

Yes, I am aware of the book Forever by Pete Hamill. I've read some of it, but not enough of it to be able to give my impressions of it.

I also like this scene:

Apparently Nikolaj is coming back to Fox for a new TV show.....so I can't wait to see that one!

Some things.

2008-09-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

If you scroll down to the bottom of my page, you'll see that this blog is licensed. I think it's generally a smart idea, because it doesn't cost anything and protects you.

That being said...

STOP PLAGIARIZING ME. You know who you are. I have sitemeter you dingbat. You always use the same computer and you're the only one who still uses AOL. One to two days after I post something, you post something eerily similar with the same phrases, words, layout, examples, etc. At least I use fucking semi-colons.

IT'S A FUCKING BLOG. You have a blog. Do you take it that seriously that you find the need to plagiarize? Read this sentence out loud to yourself, "I plagiarize another persons blog.". Does that not sound like the most pitiful sentence? Grow up and stop copying me.

Goodbyes

2008-09-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

I threw out all my diaries today. The diaries covered five years. I have never been happier.

I started going through them with the idea that I would just take out all the negative, depressing writings (you know the type, "Nobody loves me.", "I'm such a loser!") but I found that there were just pages and pages coming out with barely anything being left.

Man, I was one depressed kiddo.

I still always found it odd that no one grabbed me by the hand and took me to get some help. Is that selfish to say? I just felt very lost.

Obviously my life is not like that. It's a shame about all the writings that are now gone, if anyone had ever wanted to really live inside a depressed persons head, that was their best bet. I just couldn't read them and I didn't want anyone else reading them. That's not me.

So I will rewrite what I can with an unblinking eye and remember all the fun times that I had with my friends, instead of all the negativity that was going through my mind at the time.

I feel so free! So exhilarated.

On top of that, I've been getting rid of my old, depressing books as well. Yes, I still have my dummies guide to anxiety, but I realized that I only get anxious when I'm tired and haven't gotten enough sleep or am particularly stressed out that day. And it's not the end of the world.

I just need to surround myself with positive things instead of negative things, because otherwise you'll find yourself in a stronger prison than before.

Today office boy told me that he saw our relationship going far.

That filled me with a lot of warm and mushy stuff.

The semicolon.

2008-09-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

An important reminder to their usage for your future blog postings.

"In a time where many people are lucky to string together coherent sentences, the semicolon is almost never used correctly outside of professional publications. Many consider its correct use to be the mark of a well-educated individual, while others consider it a sign of snobbery.

For all the fuss, though, it’s actually not that difficult to master. Two simple scenarios can sum up the vast majority of acceptable uses.

1. You’re dealing with two sentences that can’t keep their hands off each other. Turning them into one long sentence doesn’t seem quite right, but you don’t want to put a period between them, either. Very often, it replaces words like but and and.

Examples:

Ethel and Floyd never talk; words are unnecessary.
Bertha eventually left her McDonald’s fry cook boyfriend for a cashier at Taco Bell; the steak taquitos were just too tempting.

2. Your commas are working overtime. The most common example of this situation is when you’re writing a list and one or more items in the list have their own commas.

Examples:

When Slash wants to impress the ladies, he puts on a mix tape with Crosby, Stills & Nash; Harry Connick, Jr.; Air Supply; and Loverboy.

As a traveling magician, The Magnificent Zoltok found it easy to simultaneously woo girlfriends in Tupelo, Mississippi; Salem, Massachusetts; and Phoenix, Arizona.

Of course, you can also use a semicolon when you’re dividing up a two-chunk sentence that’s already using commas in one of the chunks.

Examples:

Boris the Big enjoyed a satisfying meal of fresh greens, beef burgundy, and buttered bread; but when the dessert tray came out, he ordered a slice of each confection.

Katya found Alexander pompous, rude, and consistently disappointing; however, she was quite fond of his v-neck sweaters and family connections."

From: The Poor, Misunderstood Semicolon

I like this song

2008-09-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

And most of this music video, except for the hilarious early 90's graphics.

Odds and ends

2008-09-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

Not everyone looks good in skinny jeans. I'm still a die hard flare jeans girl. I'd even be okay with bootcut, because sometimes it's hard to roll your pants up when you have flares on. That being said, it sure is hard to find some grey flared jeans.

I just about had an aneurysm after reading the website, "frattinghard.com". Office boy told me to familiarize myself with the frat culture after I kept confusing what things/people were called. He directed me to that website.

It was awful. I could only take a little bit of it, but much like a fistfight on the street, it was awful, yet thoroughly entertaining. I kept reading until I had read more than half the website before giving up. I felt strangely.....aggressive afterwards. Could it have been that die hard art student inside of me who says to herself, "I have five piercings in my ear and I LOVE THEM." or "I have an awesome tattoo on my back AND ITS FULL OF MASSIVE WIN!" or even "I would never be caught dead wearing something described as, 'Nantucket blue'.".

The crazy things we do for love.

And yes

2008-09-03T19:48:00.001-07:00

I heard the sad, terrible news about the last book in the twilight series that I really wanted to read because it was from Edward's POV. :(

:sob:

Oh man

2008-09-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

I need to get laid.

Of course, having sex with anyone else but office boy is going to be rather nerve wracking, especially since I am assuming he will ask me if I've slept with anyone else. Of course, we're in a long distance relationship and I don't even know what the hell is going on and I don't even want to put that much time thinking about it when he's 23094823908 miles away in the south.

Sigh.

Only two more months....I should stock up on C batteries.

Also

2008-08-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

Office boy and I had a rather.....unique little conversation today. I'm not going to get into the finer details of what went on, but at the end of the conversation, I had said goodbye and he was saying his usual sappy goodbye (which I can't bear to repeat here) and then very quickly he says, "Love ya!" and I just hung up the phone! I wasn't expecting that at all. I'm sure that's what he had been planning as well, a quick escape as it were.

I had to go into the bathtub afterwards and read more of Spandau as I processed what had just happened. I wish that....I hadn't......just....hung up the phone like that.

I wonder how he will end his phone conversations now.

Dear Abby

2008-08-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

I just read this disturbing little letter on the "Dear Abby" website.

DEAR ABBY: I'm hosting what's called a Naked Ladies Party. It's where all the women come over with all the clothing, accessories, jewelry, etc. they no longer want. We strip down to our skivvies, try on each other's stuff, then vote on who should get to keep it. (Basically, we just swap items to get new ones.)

I have a very good friend I'd like to invite, but she is significantly larger than the rest of us and wouldn't fit into any of our clothes. She acts like she's not sensitive about it, but I don't want to embarrass her by inviting her.

She and I work together and some of the women from work are invited, so she will find out about it. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt her feelings or put her in an embarrassing situation. What should I do? -- IN A PICKLE IN LAKEWOOD, OHIO

DEAR IN A PICKLE: Talk to your friend about the party and let her know exactly what it's about. While she may not be comfortable stripping down to her skivvies and the clothing wouldn't be appropriate, she might be interested in the accessories and the female bonding. Let her decide.

Please know that this is a party that I would never go to. If I had wanted to:

a) Do female bonding- I'd go to the beach or the park with my lady friends.

b) Try on other peoples old clothes- I'd go to a thrift store.

I bet their husbands secretly videotape these little parties. I can totally see it. All of them gathered together in the basement or the garage, watching it when they're supposed to be doing yard work.

2008-08-31T17:46:00.001-07:00

I am not going to think about this anymore.

Book recommendations

2008-08-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

So, I thought to myself...well..no one here has heard (read) MY booklist, so here we go!

1. Inside the Third Reich - Albert Speer.

Fascinating stuff. Albert Speer is a talented writer and gives a pretty clear view about how he came to be not only Hitler's architect but it also covers his term as Minister of Armaments. In it you'll find that the Third Reich seemed (to him) utterly disorganized. It was a constant power play to get into the good graces of a rather mercurial Hitler. Lots of titles seemed to be handed out and you just KNOW when THAT happens it's all going downhill from there (I've found this to be true even in office settings). You learn many interesting things about the major players in Nazi Germany. Albert Speer also seems to have a very funny sense of humor that comes out in his writing, although it's rather hidden. There is; of course, controversy surrounding his books about its validity. I'll let you view the wikipedia page for more coverage of this topic. I suppose that once I'm done reading all that I can read about Mr. Speer, I'll come to a final conclusion about this question of validity.

2. Spandau: The Secret Diaries - Albert Speer

Continuing with the Albert Speer studies....

After the Nuremburg trials at the end of the war (which is covered in this book and in the end of Inside the Third Reich), Albert Speer was sentenced to twenty years in Spandau. He covers his life for those twenty years so clearly that you feel like you are in there with him. His is a depressing, almost repetitive read of his yearning to be free, concerns about the future, thinking about how and why he got to that point (THAT topic is certainly repeated OVER and OVER) and how he tries to keep himself entertained during the day. He writes that not only did he feel rather....bored....but the guards felt that as well. Apparently it was a fairly easy job to guard these men, all past the age of forty who weren't in great shape. He writes about how the guards turned sympathetic towards the prisoners and helped them smuggle out letters and their diaries to their families. How the prison directors (who would switch every month to French, U.S.S.R., American or British) would come up with rather inane tasks to do (right now I'm reading about how one of them wanted the prisoners to weave baskets. When the prisoners refused unanimously, and no one would stand behind that director, the director had inmates at the mental hospital weave baskets instead.). Great read, though I can only take about twenty minutes of reading before I yearn to read something more "upbeat".

3. Women Men Love, Women Men Leave - Dr. Connell Cowan & Dr. Melvyn Kinder

I like this book only because it has those "real-life" relationship situations that read like juicy gossip stories. I don't really need relationship advice, but after a break-up I enjoy reading these types of books. Plus it helps to break up the.....constant......watching.....of.....Xena fan-vids that also inevitably follows after a break-up..

Moving on.....

4. Damn It Feels Good To Be a Banker - Leveraged Sell-Out

Hilarious book about the life of bankers. It's written from the point of view of this complete asshole who works at; of course, the best bank. As trite as this will sound, it's satire at its best. I really can't explain it, but you'll love it if you work in finance. You'll probably also get all the hidden jokes.

5. Twilight - Stephanie Meyer

It lacks some plot.

But...

But.............

It has VAMPIRES! And girls can relate to the main character; who is this clumsy little outcast and who hasn't been that clumsy little outcast in high school?

And she gets to sit next to the really hot guy in school (whose a VAMPIRE!) and she doesn't know if he likes her or not (Yes! It's all coming back to me now!) and he's smart (of course!) and he's rich (of course!) and he's strong and....and...has good hair.

"Dribble.", my friend calls it.

But it's damn good dribble!

6. Youth in Revolt - C.D. Payne

A really good black comedy. I was rolling on the floor at certain points. Read more here.
Of course they are making a movie based on the book and of course they have upped the main characters age to sixteen from fourteen. Bah.

Anyway, that's about it as I'm fading. More tomorrow.

Oh, one last thing. So I was in the self-improvement section at Barnes and Noble today. What a dreadful place to find yourself in. Apparently that's where they have the "How to improve your handwriting" books there cause I wanna make my handwriting look nice and pretty. After searching for about ten minutes; because of course it's alphabetical BY AUTHOR, *I* thought that *I* was going nuts and needed these self-help books.

I never did find the book that I was looking for, so instead I ordered Spencerian Penmanship off of Amazon.

Kiwi + more Twilight stuff.

2008-08-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

I've always liked this little animation...I saw it at SVA two years ago and couldn't believe it was up on youtube. It's great!

And this girl is hilarious.....absolutely hilarious if you are into The Twilight Saga.

Start on this page (it goes chronologically):

http://cleoland.pbwiki.com/Twilight#Twilight

Odds and ends

2008-08-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

1. Has anyone else been reading The Twilight Saga? It's damn good. I'm on the third book. I started the first book Monday. My mom can't believe it. I can't wait till the movie comes out. Great fantasy fodder with that guy playing Edward Cullen. (Thankfully he's near my age, only eleven months younger...so I don't feel creepy about...fantasizing....about....him.)

2. I knew that as I was working and studying all the time at night, that something was missing in my life. Outside activities. I was unable to pursue them since of course, I was either working or studying. Now that I've quit my job I have time to read the above mentioned book series. I'm happier! Much, much happier.

3. Office guy keeps talking about what it'll be like when we live together. We had the following conversation.

"You'd better start liking modern furniture, because you'll be seeing it a lot when we live together."
"Ugh, I hate modern furniture. I like good wood, real wood furniture. "
"No...I don't think so."
"Fine, you can have one room, I'll have the other."
"You can have the bathroom."
"As long as it's a big bathroom."
"You know they say that the more abstract the art is that you like, the smarter you are."
"Hm, there's always exceptions to that rule."

If we do end up getting married and living together and I do get the bathroom, I'm decking it out. With something like this and something like this. (I like cast iron tubs with clawed feet, but I also have a tendency to somehow hurt myself on the faucet, so in order to avoid more bruises, maybe the center faucet will help.) I don't like the clawed feet on the bathtub, but I suppose I'd have to take a closer look.

And maybe a sink like this in marble...... Crystal handles of course on the doorknob. Am I done fantasizing yet? I don't think so.

3. The other day when I was getting my tattoo touched up, my tattoo artist...well..... it's like this. The tattoo is in the middle of my back, so of course the tattoo artist is behind me working on my back. Except this time, this guy (who is so wrong for me in so many ways) was pulled up kind of close and I could feel him getting hard! I actually didn't know what to say because of some of the other things that happened in between when I had talked to him previously.

It was very odd.

Finally

2008-08-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

I quit my job.

I think what finally did it for me were the stomach cramps and the panic attacks coming back. For the past few weeks my stomach has been killing me. I just kind of let it slide until I was shopping in H&M and had a panic attack ( a fact that made office boy roll on the floor with laughter....."Were you confused about which color shirt to buy?", he asked on the phone when I called him later.) thinking about work. And I fucking hate panic attacks.

So I resigned. It felt wonderful. The next day I took the biggest dump ever.

Of course my mother has me on a schedule to keep up my studies though, so that my mind doesn't turn to mush when I'm not working. That and finding a job.

I only really stayed there for office boy, when he told me to stay, and there's nothing wrong with that.

The other day my mother told me that when I get married I should get pregnant as soon as possible so that I can stay home and take care of the baby while he works.

"What!", I replied. "I want to work!"
"You think that taking care of kids isn't work?"
"No, I just like being in an office, I like the culture. I like going someplace everyday and doing something. What am I going to do taking care of a baby all day? Be a lady who lunches? Spend my days working out in competition? Spend my husbands money, while I'm on some allowance? Who will I talk to?"
"Well, you can get involved with some charity work."
"I can't do charity work all day Mom, you know that. I'd get so bored."
I paused for a moment here.
"I don't want to find myself twenty years down the line with no husband and I'm getting back into the working world. I read some book where this lady's husband was cheating on her and she wanted to get away from him AND prove it so that she could get a divorce and custody of the kids and she had no money to do it so she was stuck! I always want to have an option to leave, because if there's an option to leave, then I'll stay."
"That makes sense. Look, do whatever you want to do, that's just my suggestion."

Just thinking about it churns my stomach. I'd hate to live off of someone like that. Already it bothers me living at home with my mom as I get on my feet. Since I'd have to live with a roommate anyway, it might as well be my mother though.

Jealous bosses.

2008-08-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

For most of my life, I've been rather bored with work. I was one of those kids who always thought that homework was pretty stupid, but if need be, I could still pull a b+ average out of the hat without trying that hard. In college, it was even easier, because I liked art school. When I started working as a sales assistant in a mattress store, I realized just how easy the working world was going to be.

My first day at my first "office" job at a mattress store, my boss proved to me what I would continually ran into later. Just because they are the boss, it does not mean that they know what they are doing. For instance, at this company, we marked up everything by fifty percent and if my boss was around, we had to haggle the customer into buying things. We also had to follow them around like a dog to bacon till they did buy something. I was never one of those people who could haggle people into buying things. I certainly wasn't a stalker. I would say, "hello" to whomever walked in, let them walk around a bit and then I would ask if they needed any help. If they said no? Well, at that time I would just go back to my desk (which was located on the sales floor), open up the newspaper, start reading and let them come to me if they needed anything. They know where to find me I would think.

I don't know if I would do anything that rash now, I would probably do the whole "I'm pretending to work" thing instead. But, whatever the case might be, I had already realized that my boss had faults through this little quirk of his.

After a few days of this behavior, I remember looking over the floor of mattresses saying to myself, "One day I shall run this company.". I thought it would be easy, because my boss also was somewhat of a nimwit, but this never came to pass as I got sidetracked by modeling and eventually quit the job.

The reason that I bring this up is because whenever I inadvertently did a better job than my boss did at a job that he used to have (mostly because I had some pretty stupid bosses when I was working through college), they would always seem to get a little jealous. So, in order to avoid this, I only did a half assed job until I was spoken to or something. Or when my boss started acting like an asshole. Or a moron. Then I'd do a really great job. The typical reaction was for them to nitpick at my work by telling me to use one word or another, to "clean" up my already clear handwriting, or something along those lines. This "jealousy" (though it seems like a bit of a strong word to use, perhaps envy? Disgruntled?) was never shown more than at this sales job that I had in school, where we kept tally of our sales for the week. My boss was also tallied on that whiteboard as well. He would draw his tallies twice as long and thicker than anyone else. I did my usual blah job until he told me that I wasn't selling enough. Then super-Windy was released.

Who sold more than him continuously after that? Me.

As a result, I noticed that he started making my tallies really small, in fact they were about half the length of the size that he drew everyone elses tallies. I moved on soon after that, but that little incident always made me laugh.

Now, whenever I start a new job, I always look over the office, much like how I did that first day at the mattress store and say to myself, "I'm going to run this company one day.". I feel an odd sense of adrenaline when I say this to myself, but I know it's going to happen. That is the outlook I always have.

Today

2008-08-11T14:17:00.001-07:00

Today reached new lows of despair, homicidal, sarcasm, every negative feeling you could imagine, at work.

The thing is, is that the job is utterly pointless. Utterly, utterly pointless. It's completely archaic. It's kind of like being a head hunter. You don't really need a head hunter, you could find a job on your own, but you might not get the best job out there. I'm that headhunter.

The rest of the people in my office don't seem to realize this. I don't know why. The writing is on the wall.

What did it for me was this: My coworker is an irritating overachiever. Today she did all this extra needless work that really had no point. When she showed it to my boss, he didn't quite know what to say, other than to "stay focused". My coworker was so proud of her project, she sent it out to the rest of the department via email and announced to us that she was sending this email so that we could keep our "eyes open for it!". I rolled my eyes when I heard her announce this little gem.

I wonder how many other people hit the delete button.

Finally, a sex story that's a little graphic.

2008-08-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

I typically avoid any sex stories on this blog as I like to keep it somewhat clean, but I found this to be utterly hilarious.

The other night office boy and I are having sex. I'm on top. Things happen, things end, I lie beside him. We chat for a bit and then he asks, "Where did that condom go?".

"Didn't you throw it out?"
"No, it's gotta be here somewhere."

We start searching through the sheets. When that doesn't turn up anything, we check the floor.

"We need to find this, if my relative comes home and finds it, they'll tell my mother."

We move the sheets more and toss around the pillows when finally he starts looking at me.

"What?"
"Are you sure it's still not in you?"

Silence.

I check around. I "push" down using my muscles to maybe "squeeze" the thing out. Nothing.

"No, it's not in there."

Finally, we give up. I take a nap. He eats. We walk around outside. Watch T.V. and finally go back to bed.

We check all around the bed again. We can't find it anywhere. Again, he expresses a nervousness of his relative finding the condom. I maintain the position that he threw it out and forgot about it.

The next morning, I wake up early. I notice I'm still kind of "wet" down there, but I chalk it up to all that lube that's on the condom.

(Side note: Clearly, at seven a.m., I can't think straight at all.)

At work, around nine-thirty a.m., I make my usual trip to the bathroom to "relax" from the stresses of work.

I'm sitting on the toilet, when I notice I'm still wet. On top of that, things smell a little "funny".

Two realizations immediately hit me.

1. The vagina has a self cleaning feature that clears things out via a mucous discharge.
2. Whenever a guy has ejaculated in me, it always smells a little weird afterwards.

I immediately check things out. I start laughing, it is up there. I just missed it the first time. It must've really been up there.

Tuesday Part Two

2008-08-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

So, after the events of Tuesday, office boy and I were walking Wednesday night to a nearby restaurant to eat. He asked me if he had told me what happened with that girl (because when he told me the first time, he was drunk....). I said yes. He said that the conversation between the two of them had gone something like this...

Girl: Can I spend the night at your place?
Him: Yeah, you can sleep on the sofa.
Girl: Noooo..... I wanna sleep with you.
Him: Well, you know that girl that I was with before? Windy? Yeah, she's in my bed right now and I don't think she'll like that.

I laughed when he said that. Then of course he had to keep on going....

Him: I was thinking about bringing her back home, just to see what you would do.
Me: What?
Him: I'm sure you would've really been pissed at her.
Me: I would've been pissed at the both of you.

At this he fell silent.

Him: I thought it would've been funny. Can you imagine? Waking up, wondering why my hair was so long? I'm sure you would've punched her.
Me: I would've taken care of her first, yes. Then you.

That conversation ended shortly thereafter.

What was all that about?

If that had happened, I would've just left. I don't even know if I would do anything. I think I would've just packed up my stuff and gone far away from him.

Tuesday

2008-08-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the last night I spend with office boy before he goes back to school. :(

He and I went out last night with some of his friends from high school. Of course he was more popular than I, and thus hung out with popular girls as well. This clearly showed itself when the three girls he knew, came with like ten of their girlfriends. They were all sitting together in a corner. I was clearly out of my element. He and I had fun though and spoke with the one male guy there for a bit before the large group broke up a bit. Then we mingled more.

Of course the evening was filled with the two of us whispering sweet nothings to one another. I gave him a kiss on the cheek in front of the girls (we're kind of touchy-feely so I didn't think anything of it). Later, when we were standing alone talking, he told me that when I did that, all of the girls glared at me. My hands were on him when he said this and I replied, "What? I totally didn't notice that."

At that moment I glanced around and I saw two of the girls glaring at me across the beer pong table.

"Oh, I see, like those two?", and I laughed.
"Yeah", he said, laughing as well.

We went to the area where his friends had gathered again and were sitting watching the beer pong game. Of course everyone was all crowded in the little corner area. One of the two girls whom I had caught glaring at me started dancing right in front of office boy. About one foot away.

"This is ridiculous!", he chuckled.

We went back to talking about whatever it was when the girl came up to us and introduced herself. She asked the two of us all these questions, like how old we were, where we went to school, where we worked, what we did, did we like our jobs, where we grew up...how we knew everyone. One of her friends called her away and after she left, office boy turned to me and asked me what that was all about. I told him that sometimes girls do that to scope out the competition.

"What? Really? You guys do that?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, I did it a few times myself when I was younger. Then I learned to just not care."

We went back to mingling, talking, etc. By 12:30, I was tired. Office boy can come to work later since he works in a different department, but he leaves later as a result. I told him that I was going to go back to his place, but said that it was cool if he wanted to stay out with his friends for a bit more. He walked me to the door, as he was holding his beer and kissed me goodbye.

At 2:30 he came crawling into bed. Drunk. He didn't even bother to get undressed.

"You'll never believe what happened after you left."
"What happened"
"That girl? That girl who was jealous of you? She came up to me after you had gone home and while she was talking to me, she kissed me on my cheek. Then she asked if she could come home with me. I told her 'no'."

I was silent for a bit, because I was half asleep and half unsure of what to say.

"She has nothing on you. So don't worry about it."

I smiled at this and then kissed him.

He must be feeling awfully guilty about it though. I know that he wouldn't do anything like that, he's just not cut from that cloth. He did text me today and wrote to me that "I was the most beautiful girl in the bar last night.".

Maybe she did kiss him, and he knocked it down to a kiss on his cheek. As long as no sex was involved, I can't say that I can do anything about it, really. What would I say about it anyway? He seems remorseful. If a person is already acting like that, you can't make them feel even worse about themselves over something as little as a kiss. They'll start resenting you, I think...sooner or later. I know I would. Besides, these things come up, don't they?

Today

2008-08-05T14:07:00.001-07:00

We had to hand in these six month long planning calendars to the head of the geeks. It was a little ridiculous and we were given free reign as to how we wanted to set up these calendars. It just had to show that we put "effort" into it. It took me about ten minutes using multi colored pens (a different color for each section) to complete it with full details and explanations last night. This morning, when I saw everyone else handing in the same assignment, I realized how corporate "corporate america" really is. Everybody else did these MLA standardized outlines in MS Word. Black ink on white paper. Some of them just wrote their six month goals on index cards and handed that in. When I handed in my mulit-colored calendar chart thing, the head of the geeks actually paused, blinked his eyes for a few seconds as though....utterly confused about this flash of color in the otherwise dismal looking office and then slowly put it in the pile with the rest of the calendars.

I'm sure that's going to make it around the male dominated office very quickly.

This place...

2008-08-04T14:49:00.001-07:00

I don't think I've ever stayed in a dirtier place than office boy's relatives place. It's also really cluttered. For instance, when I was taking a shower, there were about twenty bottles of bath products perched precariously on the sides in there with me. Some of the bottles were even moldy. I made him pancakes the other morning, all of the pans were burnt and disgusting and sticky. It took forever to scrub them. I have some mini frozen pizzas here; I'm not even going to bother heating them up, I'm going to embrace my inner white trash-ness and eat them room temperature after being defrosted. I don't trust ANYTHING in this womans refrigerator except for food that office boy and I bought, and there is a lot of food in the fridge from her. Except you have no idea how long it's been there. Clearly there's something wrong with someone who doesn't throw anything out! Twenty bottles of bath products! I hit one by accident and ten fell down! I didn't think anyone could live like this, but the longer I stay here the more disgusting it gets.

Ok, now I just found a puddle of scented oil that fell off some flimsy plastic stand. Urgh.

Movin' on up.....

2008-08-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

Will be on the UES till Wednesday. Office boy wants me to stay with him until he leaves....for a year....for school. Ah, what are we going to do?

I went to the brooklyn IKEA the other day. The IKEA wasn't very thrilling, but office boy and I wanted to take the boat back. The ride back on the water taxi is a lot of fun. They have a radio playing as you sit up on top and watch Brooklyn zoom by until you reach wall street. My brother joined us for the ride as he was nearby IKEA and the two of us were meeting my mother for dinner. My brother and office boy really got along quite well, I was very happy about that as I rarely bring any of my friends around.

I really recommend that you check the boat ride out! Its free! It's about fifteen minutes one way.